Fire Michael Kay

More about Kay's radio show

2009-02-12T10:49:00.004-05:00

Mike Francesa apparently went on a rant about how he will rule the world until the end of time. (Or he suffers some sort of Diet Coke-related injury, whichever comes first. That one is off the board in Vegas, by the way.) Neil Best then decided to reach out to Michael Kay, Francesa's "competition" in the afternoon drive-time market, for a response.

"I'll take the high road. I'm very happy with my life and my standing and find no need to lash out at others."

OK, that's nice. Short and sweet. Oh, there's more?

"I leave that to those that are seemingly less content with what they've been blessed with."

Didn't you say you weren't going to lash out? First you try to say you are above insecurity, then you make a statement that was definitely caused by said insecurity. Also, what exactly have you been blessed with? A good face? No. A good voice? Double no. Good job, yes. But that's a curse to so many others, you selfish jerk.

Don't worry, ~~Amateur Hour~~ Spring Training games are only a few weeks away.

CBS Radio does a public service

2009-02-06T12:52:00.002-05:00

Michael Kay has daily talk radio show on ESPN Radio 1050. Masochists presumably constitute a large percentage of his audience. In the past, he has done the show from Yankee Stadium on gamedays and then gone right into the YES booth for his telecasts. Not anymore! CBS Radio, which owns the radio rights, has put the kibosh on that. Kay says: "There is nothing I gain from doing the show in the stadium other than for me personally it’s easier."

First, that's hard to believe. Second, good to CBS for providing a little inconvenience to Kay. Maybe it will keep him off the radio airwaves once or twice a season. Everybody wins that way. Except Kay and his masochist fans.

"Here's a word from our friends"

2008-05-07T23:00:00.004-04:00

vs.
Game 35: May 7, 2008 - 7:05 p.m. ET
Yankee Stadium, New York, N.Y.
Play-by-Play: Michael Kay
Color: David Cone, John Flaherty

Bot 1st: Kay: "If you have a WHIP under 1, then you're an outstanding pitcher."
Cone: "Even 1.5..."
Kay: "Yeah, even 1.5 is good."

Umm, no, it's not. The Major League average WHIP last season was 1.41. So apparently to Kay, below average means good, probably the same way that as a terrible broadcaster, he's a great one in his head.

"Here's Derek Jeter. Three-game hitting streak he carries into the action."

I wonder if Jorge Posada was close to getting a medal for his two-game run before he went on the disabled list.

Bot 5th: On Hideki Matsui's line drive: "Lined on...uh, not one hop. Caught in the air by Cabrera. One away."

And Kay's autopilot misfires once again. Damn that unconventional game play!

Top 6th: Heading to break: "And now here's a word from our friends at the FOX Business Network."

That's twice we've heard about YES' friends at the FOX Business Network tonight and we've also twice heard about YES' friends at J&R Music and Computer World. Either the advertising people at YES are suffering from writer's block or Kay is grasping for any sort of friendly contact he can muster.

Bot 6th: With Matsui up with 2nd & 3rd and two outs: "Crowd into it for the first time tonight."

Apparently the raucous cheering going on while the Yankees had two on last inning is all but a distant memory.

Bot 9th: Of Cliff Lee and Chien-Ming Wang: "Last time two guys, 5-0, against each other? 20 years ago."

Too bad Wang came in at 6-0 or that might have been a relevant statistic.

"So the Yankees loese their second game in a row..."

See, Kay has trouble with even simple words. I would have represented the way he pronounced "lose" (very long 'o') with an 'h,' but that would have just brought up images of Kyle Lohse.

Can't be that displaised

2008-05-07T00:47:00.003-04:00

vs.
Game 34: May 6, 2008 - 7:05 p.m. ET
Yankee Stadium, New York, N.Y.
Play-by-Play: Michael Kay
Color: David Cone

Bot 1st: "Babe was a great pitcher, but he turned into even better as a pitcher."

Yes, that makes all sorts of sense.

On Derek Jeter's groundball: "Grounded up the middle. Nice play there by Peralta, from his knees, fires! Not in time. Infield single for Derek Jeter."

If Kay hadn't gone on autopilot, his keen powers of observation would have noticed that the tumbling Jhonny Peralta didn't make the throw from his knees, but rather a knee and a foot.

"All things considered, Carmona, who spikes the ball, can't be that displaised."

That's right, sometimes Kay doesn't even bother speaking English.

Bot 2nd: "Betemit was on the DL with conjunctivitis, which is a nice way of saying pink eye."

Maybe it's just us, but "pink eye" sounds a lot nicer to us than conjunctivitis.

"Here's Damaso Marte."

Don't you love it when left-handed Pirate relievers magically get at-bats for the Indians?

Top 8th: Joba Chamberlain walks Grady Sizemore leading off. "Not what you want to do because Sizemore now is a threat to steal, and Joba, being a hard-throwing right-hander, is slow to the plate."

So if Chamberlain were a soft-tossing right-hander, he'd be faster to the plate?

"That's the 12th sac bunt for the Indians this year as they try to create any kind of run-scoring ability."

ability (n.) - The quality of being able to do something, especially the physical, mental, financial, or legal power to accomplish something.
So the Indians are trying to create the quality of being able to score runs. Got it. Can you work on trying to create the quality of being able to do a halfway-coherent broadcast?

The man they call Kay

2008-05-03T13:09:00.005-04:00

vs.

Game 32: May 3, 2008 -1:05 p.m. ET
Yankee Stadium, New York, N.Y.
Play-by-Play: Michael Kay
Color: Paul O'Neill

Top first: "Wladimir Balentien hits ninth and Yuniesk--, I mean hits eighth."

How hard is it to read the the lineup properly?

"Miguel Cairo is just one of the players who knows what to do at the plate."

Pretty easy to know what to do in order to have a career 75 OPS+. Let me just take this opportunity to congratulate the Mariners on having Willie Bloomquist and Cairo on the same team. That is also impressive.

Bottom first: Kay points out that even though Hideki Matsui is in the middle of a 12-game hitting streak, his average "has actually gone down."

Ironic that Kay would make that observation. He is the king of pointing out random four-game hitting streaks. My goal is to hear him point out a two-game hitting streak soon. Maybe if/when Robinson Cano gets one.

Top second: Kay quotes Cone and says that Mussina's 11-10 record despite mediocre stuff last season "tells you something."

Yeah, it tells you even someone who sucks can have a .500 record when a team scores 968 runs, even a pitcher who loses his rotation spot because he pitches so poorly can have a record above .500. Mussina has enjoyed a nice recovery in his last few starts this season, but that doesn't change his atrocious effort last year.

Bottom second: For the second time in two innings, Kay refers to Felix Hernandez in exactly these words: "The man they call King Felix."

Nothing says Kay is on his game like once-an-inning repetition.

Bottom third: "Today is the anniversary of Joe DiMaggio actually breaking into the big leagues."

But when is the anniversary of his just plain breaking into the big leagues?

Bottom fifth: First Kay is singing the praises of Cairo. Now, in ripping the Mariners offense says, "They're protecting their best hitter with Miguel Cairo." Too true.

Top sixth: O'Neill is worried he didn't read the spots well enough in Friday's game.

Believe me, Paul. You are worlds better than Kay. We're sure YES is more than happy with your performance.

Bottom sixth: "King Felix certainly not a king today," after Hernandez gets knocked out.
We would have preferred "King Felix dethroned" or "King Felix desposed." Kay takes the unoriginal and obvious route.

Top seventh: Jeter makes a throwing error trying to complete a double play. Giambi may have overshot the ball with his lunge, but the error still goes to Jeter, OBViously. Equally as obvious is Kay's tale of Jeter's woe. Jeter bounces more balls to first than any other shortstop in baseball, and that includes David Eckstein. He should just be thankful he doesn't have 40 errors each season. No one need feel bad for him.

Bottom seventh: Just a strange play call on a Melky Cabrera double: "Grounded fair, inside first, down the right field line. Cabrera cuts the bag, picks up the coach, rounds second and stops right there."

Who says "cuts the bag"? Also, "the coach" has a name, and it's Bobby Meachem. Most announcers, in a 6-1 game, would have toned it down a little bit.

Top eighth: Apparently Mariano Rivera calls Kay "Cabezon," which means big head in Spanish.

If it's possible to like Rivera anymore, I do right now. O'Neill calls Kay "big head" in English. That also falls into the awesome category.

Top ninth: "Charging Ensberg, FIRES, got him."

Got to get that in there before the game is over.

"The Yankees used Farnsworth, Chamberlain and Rivera last night, and today they have used Hawkins, Ramirez and Veras. So the only pitcher in the bullpen who hasn't appeared is Ross Ohlendorf." Minutes later, "They also haven't used Jonathan Albaladejo." Still later, "Paul, I forgot another pitcher, Chris Britton."

Way to know the roster. I know the Yankees are carrying 13 (!) pitchers, but you are with the team every day. Well, not quite. But when you call a game, you should know who is on the roster.

Final score: Yankees 6, Mariners 1
I owe Juan Rivera an apology: Miguel Cairo is good, Mike Mussina really showed the Yankees something last season, Derek Jeter is infallible, Jonathan Albaladejo isn't on the team, Chris Britton isn't on the team.

Welcome back, Bobby

2008-05-02T20:00:00.004-04:00

vs.

Game 31: May 2, 2008 - 7:05 p.m. ET
Yankee Stadium, New York, N.Y.
Play-by-Play: Michael Kay
Color: Paul O'Neill and Bobby Murcer

Just so everyone knows, we love Bobby Murcer. Not only we are sorry that he had brain cancer, we're sorry that he has had to work with Kay for all these years. This is a great broadcast team. Well, two thirds of it is.

Bottom second: Again: "The Yankees won't lose that much defensively with Molina behind the plate."

Two more days on the disabled list didn't make Jorge Posada a good defensive catcher.

Abreu ground out to first. Kay says "He tries to pull an outside pitch."

This is on other broadcasters as well, but how does Kay know Abreu wanted to pull it? Maybe Abreu was just off-balance and ended up hitting it to the right side. Besides, Abreu ended up pulling it, so why not say, "Pulls an outside pitch?" Stupid.

Top third: "Past a diving Jeter."

Isn't it obvious to Kay that Jeter has no range? Maybe we could get a comment on it. Or is he as blind as he is fat?

Commentators graphic goes by without Kay identifying himself.

First time for everything.

Bottom fourth: Cabrera grounds out to third. "Beltre fields ... across the diamond ... two away."

You know he wanted to say FIRES, he just wanted to.

Top fifth: Kay goes through the players traded to the Orioles for Erik Bedard. After naming them, he says "Sherill and Adams are with the team now. Adams is the center fielder."

That's Adam Jones. You did see him two weeks ago.

Bottom sixth: Paul O'Neill reads the J&R Computer World spot, a brilliant move. Kay suggests that O'Neill gets a free TV for reading the spot, so Murcer tries to grab it out of O'Neill's hand and he reads it. Kay proceeds to kill the joke by reading the spot a third time.

Bottom eighth: "Michael, I interrupted you, what were you talking about?"

Never apologize, Paul.

Kay doesn't know the capacity of the New Yankee Stadium, and Lonn Trost, the Yankees' chief operating officer has to come into the booth to tell him.

That's embarrassing

Kay gets lazy in the ninth. He says Mike Winters "rings up" Jeff Clement. But it was only the first strike.

Final score: Yankees 5, Mariners 1
I owe Juan Rivera an apology: Jorge Posada was good at defense, Adam Jones' last name is Adams.

When I think Michael Kay, I don't think Hall of Famer

2008-04-30T19:51:00.006-04:00

vs.

Game 29: April 30, 2008 - 7:05 p.m. ET
Yankee Stadium, New York, N.Y.
Play-by-Play: Michael Kay
Color: Al "Talkalot" Leiter and John Flaherty

Missed the first inning and a half, but John Sterling and Suzyn Waldman do get Kay points for saying that Andy Pettitte's rookie year was 1996.

Bottom second: Raving about Alberto Gonzalez's defense, Kay says that the Yankees were so high on him that "when they knew the Jeter injury would only be a day or two" they called up Gonzalez when "Wilson Betemit could have just played those games at short."

I don't recall the Yankees knowing it would be a day or two, considering Jeter missed six games. And, they didn't think it would only be a day or two either.

This questioning is getting ridiculous. Leiter asked Flaherty if, when he was filling in for a star, if he tried to do more than he could. He even prefaced it with a "Let me ask you this." We won't have any trouble replacing Kay

Bottom third: "There's not a person in baseball who doesn't love John Flaherty!"

There's not a person in baseball who likes Michael Kay, who is clearly envious of the lovable catcher.

Top fourth: Kay hosts a roundtable discussion on Hall of Fame credentials since Gary Sheffield is up. Kay goes on and on about "tighter baseballs, lower mounds" as reasons why evaluating today's hitters are different. "Some people you look at you just feel are Hall of Famers. When I look at Jim Thome, I don't think Hall of Famer."

If only there were a stat that allowed us to compare eras. Oh wait, there is. It's called OPS+. Sure it's not perfect. But all this is 500 homers enough and other such silly questions won't help anyone.

Bottom fourth: On bases: "Back in the old days, they were just pillows, and they weren't anchored to the ground."

Right, they just blew willy-nilly all over the field. Second base is in right field? Crap, better get over there quick!

Jose Molina ground "to Guillen. Steadies, fires, got him." Are you serious? With Molina running?

Top fifth: "Here's Guillen, who made that strong throw to end the third."

I know this game is going a little fast, but try to stay with it.

Bottom fifth: Here we go. Kay starts talking about Jeremy Bonderman and how he was profiled in Moneyball as not a "Billy Beane type of player." Doesn't mention why -- because Bonderman was a high school pitcher and Beane didn't want any high school pitchers. Then Kay tells of the trade that sent Bonderman to the Tigers -- and conveniently leaves out that the Yankees were involved in that three-way masterpiece. Oh, Jeff Weaver, where have you gone?

Top sixth: Kay's love for Bob Feller and reruns rears its ugly head when he told for the second time in five days about how Feller throws batting practice to fantasy campers. He also wonders earlier if Bob Feller's no-hitter at Yankee Stadium was on Opening Day. It was not. Leiter suggests that Jack Morris threw an Opening Day no-hitter, but Leiter is wrong. Most people know Feller's no-hitter was the first and last on Opening Day.

Top seventh: Curtis Granderson pinch-hits, but Kay doesn't mention it. Maybe Granderson really is invisible. He moves to second on a groundout but YES takes the yellow mark off the basepaths diagram.

Bottom seventh: Granderson now in center, doesn't get a mention, even after he makes a play.

Top eighth: Is Kay blind? A ball soars out to to left field hit by Placido Polanco. Johnny Damon jumps, the ball hits the net above the retired numbers. Kay waits about three seconds, then finally sees the ball and says, "See ya!" Textbook.

We have a "Past a diving Jeter"!

Final score: Tigers 6, Yankees 2

I owe Juan Rivera an apology: Derek Jeter only missed a day or two, bases in the old days blew all over the field. Not a bad day for Kay; the game went too quickly for him to make a complete ass of himself.

"No, that's risking the job."

2008-04-28T21:03:00.009-04:00

vs.
Game 27: April 28, 2008 - 7:05 p.m. ET
Progressive Field, Cleveland, Ohio
Play-by-Play: Michael Kay
Color: David Cone

Top first: "Melky Cabrera with good numbers against the Indians."

Because I have baseball-reference.com and Kay apparently does not:

Lifetime: .277/.341/.396 (average/on-base percentage/slugging percentage)
vs. Cleveland: .270/.304/.446

Kay said Bobby Abreu has the highest personal winning percentage of active players. Not sure how that's possible. Jorge Posada and Derek Jeter each broke in around 1996, the same year Abreu did. They have never played on a team under .500 and have played on a 114-win team. Abreu was on a 65-win Phillies team and a 77-win team. I have no concrete evidence to prove Kay wrong, except that he is Kay.

"Yankees lose very little defensively" with Jose Molina behind the plate.

Um, how about they gain defensively? Posada is not winning any Gold Gloves.

Top second: "Indians had to make some roster moves because of the double-header they had in Cleveland."

That's Kansas City.

Top third: Cone is killing Posada for not "being honest" about his injury. He said he was going to start Game 1 of the 1997 playoffs "right here." He also said he was going to start Game 5, but Dwight Gooden had to fill in.

Game 1 was in New York. Gooden started Game 4. Remember, Kay did the games on the radio. Does Kay remember? No.

Bottom third: Kay said in the open that "a big crowd is expected." Now, given the abundance of people dressed like green chairs, he has revised the statement.

"There's that AWFFFF-speed pitch."

Nothing's worse than someone without a good voice trying to inflect like he does have one. Michael Kay and Vin Scully have two things in common. They both went to Fordham and they both call baseball games. The sooner Kay realizes that, the sooner everyone will be happy.

"He can throw anything he wants here, as long as it's a quality pitch."

Thanks David.

By the way, Mussina needed to get four outs because Derek Jeter made an error. How many times was that mentioned? Zero. How many times would it have been mentioned if Alex Rodriguez had done it? 10? He did belabor it when Robinson Cano made an error in Baltimore.

Top fourth: On the New York Smokers' Quitline trivia question. Cone: "I can't say the answer, right?"
"No, that's risking the job."

If you are allowed to stay on the air, I think Cone would somehow be able to get away with telling the audience the answer a half-inning early.

Top sixth: "David, I've been getting used to your face the last seven games."

Great, because we're not not used to yours.

Paul O'Neill missed this series because his son is going to prom. "Anything to get out of work."

Say that from Tampa, and maybe I'll listen.

Middle eighth: "Let's take this baby to the eighth."

I still love it when he says that.

Bottom eighth: "Our award-winning coverage doesn't end with the last out."

Does it start with the first pitch? Can award-winning coverage end it doesn't begin?

Final score: Yankees 5, Indians 2
I owe Juan Rivera an apology: Bobby Abreu has a better record than Derek Jeter and Jorge Posada. Posada is a gold glover.

"What, to get picked off?"

2008-04-27T13:05:00.012-04:00

vs.
Game 26: April 27, 2008 - 1:05 p.m. ET
Progressive Field, Cleveland, Ohio
Play-by-Play: Michael Kay
Color: David Cone

Open: Talking about the "beautiful pitching matchup" says it's the "Cy Young Award winner against the runner-up. Chien-Ming Wang is the runner-up."

That's half right. Sabathia did win. But Wang was not even close to second; that went to Josh Beckett. The Taiwanese righty did come in second in 2006. Great start.

Top first: "Let's take a look at the umpires for the game tonight ... this afternoon."

When the sun is out, it's daytime. When it's dark, it's nighttime.

Bottom first: "Let's take a look at the Jeep Pi-- no, that's later. Let's look at the Indians starting lineup."

Kay meant Jeep Pitcher's Scouting report, but he isn't the smoothest guy on air.

"Here's Hafner. He's got a four-game hitting streak."

Does Kay even read past the first line of each player's bios on the team's press releases? Who cares that he has a four-game hitting streak? Kay could talk about Hafner's bloop hit yesterday or about his expensive-looking contract or his nickname or anything. Instead he decides to tell us that a player hitting .230 has performed close to that expectation over the past four games.

Top second: "That's the first out that Sabathia has recorded on a first-pitch strike that a batter has swung at."

As opposed to those outs on first-pitch strikes that batters don't swing at.

Bottom second: Another reference to Grady Sizemore's 382-game streak. "So if he doesn't make it into the game today, Cal Ripken can put his feet up and breathe easy and say, 'I got it for a little while longer."

Sizemore is now almost 14 seasons (2,250 games) away from breaking the record. Somehow I don't think Ripken is sweating it.

Bottom fourth: Pretty lazy question-making by those in trivia land. Friday's question asked for the last Indians 20-game winner (Gaylord Perry, 1974). Today's asked for the last Cy Young Award winner (Perry, 1972).

Top fifth: Just to prove everyone is asleep in the truck, Kay again calls Wang the runner-up in the 2007 Cy Young Award race. Jeez.

Cano gets picked off -- caught stealing, technically -- by the lefty Sabathia. Cone suggests Cano's running on the first move was called from the bench. "I think it was a set play."
Kay, with an extra sense of incredulity: "What, to get picked off?"

Wow. Even for Kay's standards, this is embarrassing. Does he really think that Girardi told Cano to make out on the bases? Sometimes runners do go when a lefty pitcher picks up his right (front) foot. If you had paid attention during your years [shudder] in baseball, you'd know that. Kay doesn't even think about how stupid he sounds sometimes. Show some pride.

Bottom fifth: Yankees are actually familiar with David Delucci. He actually played for them in 2003. He actually played in that World Series. In 2001, he actually played against them for the Diamondbacks.

Actually? ACTUALLY.

Top sixth: Two outs, runner on third, two strikes on the hitter. What better time to reveal your identity to the audience?

Also, no matter how many times Kay says Wang is the runner-up, it won't change.

Bottom seventh: Kay finally corrects himself about Wang's status as the runner-up in the Cy Young race last season. "He was third." Minutes later. "John Lackey was third, Wang was sometime after that." I guess not getting a vote meets that description.

Bottom night: "Sabathia may fall to a hard-luck 1-4."

Hard luck with a 7.88 ERA.

Final score: Yankees 1, Indians 0.
I owe Juan Rivera an apology: Chien-Ming Wang was second in the Cy Young Award voting last season. The game was a night game. Joe Girardi asks his players to get picked off base. Chien-Ming Wang was third in the Cy Young voting. Chien-Ming Wang got a vote in the Cy Young voting last season. C.C. Sabathia deserves to be 5-0.

One-day reprieve

2008-04-27T12:15:00.003-04:00

One day without Michael Kay is almost too much. Special thanks to Tim McCarver -- "Chris Duncan" -- and John Sterling -- "Diving grab by A-Rod. What a play! Robbed Hafner of a hit. Quad and all, eh? Oh, that's Ensberg, excuse me." -- for helping us all get through it without withdrawal symptoms.

"Did you hit on her?"

2008-04-25T19:59:00.009-04:00

vs.
Game 24: April 25, 2008 - 7:05 p.m. ET
Progressive Field, Cleveland, Ohio
Play-by-Play: Michael Kay
Color: David Cone, all by his lonesome

Top second: If a game is in Cleveland, it must mean it's time to talk about how great ~~Jacobs~~ Progressive Field is and its effect on the city, blah, blah, blah.

Now, the Indians did have 455 sellouts back in the 1990s when the Cavs sucked and the Browns were the Ravens -- because Art Modell didn't like how Cleveland was (not) lining his pockets. Here are Cleveland's American League attendance rankings (out of 14) since 2003: 12, 12, 12, 11, 9. Did Kay tell me this? Does Kay know this? Nope.

Jason Giambi goes deep -- "a loud and large home run" -- and Cone says this "proves Giambi has his bat speed back.

I'm going to say the jury is still out. Paul Byrd isn't exactly giving Joba Chamberlain a run for his money in the radar-gun department. I know this blog is all about Kay, but Cone has been a major disappointment. He's basically John Flaherty with more words per minute and a few more skeletons in the closet.

Bottom second: "Jake Westbrook is on the DL with a lat muscle pull. Now, not doubting the the severity of the injuries, but people just didn't sit out with these things before."

But see, by saying that, you are doubting the severity of the injuries. And why does everyone pine for the good ole days when pitch counts were non-existent and you only iced your arm if you threw 56 innings in one day? Baseball players make a lot of money, but imagine if everyone started clamoring for the 70-hour workweek. Stop romanticizing the past.

Bottom third: Kelly Shoppach gets nailed trying to stretch a single into the double. They show a replay of Pettite's reaction (second time they've shown it). Kay: "Scream it out, Andy!"

I call this Joe Buck syndrome -- "Touch first, Mark!" -- but other broadcasters have taken this on. Here's a little tip: The players can't hear you.

Top fourth: First two Yankees swing at the first pitch. "Now, if you're Andy Pettitte, do you want Posada to take a pitch here?"

Allow me, David. "No Michael, I want him to swing at the first pitch and purposely make out so I can have about 110 seconds of rest." This is why Kay gets ripped for asking idiotic questions of his color commentators. One of our commenters called them Little League questions. That's an example.

The scorebar at the top of the screen, which has so much trouble making an appearance before there is an out in the inning, flashes at the top right before the commercial rolls. Can't sneak anything by us!

Bottom fourth: "The Prog" gets the second reference. I may have gone overboard with the Cell critique on Wednesday. But this is still annoying.

Top fifth: Kay talks about the drummer John Adams who bangs that drum in right field. "I think HBO just finished a documentary on John Adams."

Hilarious.

"The Yankees designated pitcher Chad Moeller for assignment. I mean catcher, Moeller's a catcher."

Yes, he is. Good save.

Madonna just got into the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame. Cone says he's going visit the exhibit -- she's his "high school sweetheart." Kay asks if they ever met. Cone says yes.
"Were you married at the time?"
"No."
"Did you hit on her?"
"No, Ron Darling beat me to the punch."

We like to keep this a family blog, but let's hope that if Cone did hit on Madonna, that's all he did. (Good taste is a matter of taste.) Also, isn't Cone's flirtation not an appropriate topic for discussion on a My9 game?

Bottom fifth: Posada goes out to the mound. Cone: "A lot of people ask me, What they are talking about there?"

Who, David? Who could ask you such obvious questions? It's gotten so bad that Cone is asking the questions for Kay.

Bottom sixth: In reference to "I heart 24" signs directed toward Indians heartthrob Grady Sizemore. "I wish people had signs like that for me. It's just not happening."
"They don't, in Tarrytown?"
"No."

I for one am secure enough in my sexuality to agree with the females in their treatment of Kay and Sizemore.

Top seventh: "Cano's a slow starter. ... Last year, too, he got off to a slow start."

On April 26, 2007, Cano was hitting .308 with a .353 on-base percentage. His dip came in May. Little-known fact.

Bottom eighth: Trip to Bizzaro World: "I've always wondered, if you're out on the mound and you had a fight with your wife or girlfriend, do you think about that?"

Top ninth: Kay quotes Cleveland general manager Mark Shapiro and says Joe Borowski had the ability to shake off blown saves. First of all, Borowski had plenty of chances to show how good he was at shaking them off. Second of all, anyone can shake off blown saves to the tune of a 5.07 ERA.

Final score: Indians 6, Yankees 4
I owe Juan Rivera an apology: Cleveland's fans have always come out, Chad Moeller is a catcher, Robinson Cano sucked in April last season, Joe Borowski is an asset to a big-league team

Shaking baseball to its foundations

2008-04-24T22:34:00.013-04:00

vs.
Game 23: April 24, 2008 - 8:35 p.m. ET (35-min. delay, sorry 7-Eleven)
U.S. Cellular Field, Chicago, Ill.
Play-by-Play: Michael Kay
Color: David Cone, Paul O'Neill

Top 1st: "Morgan Ensberg moves up to fifth, the third baseman is going to bat in the five hole."

Are you sure? I was almost positive that as the five hitter, Ensberg was going to hit eighth.

Bot 1st: O'Neill mentions that Don Mattingly screens phone calls, so Kay says, "David Cone's a lot like that."

Wouldn't you if this mug popped up on your caller ID?

Bot 3rd: Ross Ohlendorf comes on in relief of Phil Hughes after a 50-minute rain delay. Kay AGAIN discusses the move of Ohlendorf to the bullpen. "Now one of the things why the Yankees think he's better in the bullpen than he is as a starter: he throws hard -- about 95 mph -- but he does not throw that hard when he starts."

Sorry to break it to you, Michael, but just about every starter throws harder in the bullpen. This is the now third straight game I've seen Ohlendorf pitch in which Kay has brought up the conversion to the bullpen. What's the over/under for when he goes without a mention? Put me down for August 2009.

Bot 4th: Ensberg makes a nice diving stop down the third-base line, which prompts Kay to mention Alex Rodriguez's absence from the lineup. He then goes on to mention that Jason Giambi is the only other player on the roster to have started a game at third -- for the second time in three days.

Ohlendorf, now Giambi. This guy is the ultimate recycling bin. Does he sincerely believe he has a brand new audience for every game? O'Neill and Cone stay quiet, the ultimate indictment.

"They used Hawkins yesterday. They used Rivera for five innings."

Outs, buddy, outs.

"Driven out to left field, that's going to be a tough play. On the run is Abreu, he can't make the play! And it bounces into the seats for two."

OK, outs are innings and now right field is left field. What's next? The Yankees are the White Sox? Oh, wait, that already happened on Tuesday.

The third out of the 4th: "Ground ball to first. And that's going to do it for Giambi."

As in that's going to do it for the White Sox. This is getting ridonculous.

Bot 5th: Jim Thome's 513th homer breaks a tie with Eddie Mathews and Ernie Banks. Kay on Banks: "Great ambassadoor for the game. Pounded out 512 home runs as a shortstop and first baseman and never played in the World Series."

Thanks. Another recycled line from Tuesday's game. When's the post mortem for Chien-Ming Wang's outing coming? And that's not a typo. He really did say ambassadoor.

Top 6th: "Did you DH much, Paul?"

Given that you were in the radio booth for the entirety of O'Neill's American League career, that's probably something you should be answering, not asking.

Top 7th: On Scott Linebrink: "Free agent. Signed a four-year deal worth $19 million. And that just broke new ground, especially for guys that are set-up men, averaging nearly $5 million a year. That just kind of changed the salary structure of baseball. There's always that one contract that really shakes baseball to its foundations."

Yes, the Yankees don't happen to have someone named Kyle Farnsworth in their bullpen who they gave $6 million annually to set-up Mariano Rivera 2 ½ years ago.

Top 9th: "Bobby Jenks comes in to try to hold it at 6-6 and the Yankees counter with Jorge Posada, pinch-hitting for Morgan Ensberg, and now, who's going to play third? Probably will be Bobby Cano -- err, Robby Cano -- and....the Yankees will bring in Alberto Gonzalez, who's also an option to play third base."

Great to see Kay's got immediate familiarity with the Yankees bench. Gonzalez played third on Tuesday as a defensive sub, yet Kay's first inkling is to play ~~Bobby~~ Robinson Cano at third base for the first time in his career.

Bot 9th: "A.J. Pierzynski's one of those guys that the opposition doesn't like that much, but when he's on your team, you like him."

Pierzynski was completely beloved in San Francisco, to the point where he was run out of town and his own pitchers actively ripped him in the press. Pierzynski now offers a $100 reward for anyone who hits a home run off former teammate Brett Tomko. Mr. Popular all the way.

Final score: White Sox 7, Yankees 6.
I owe Juan Rivera an apology: Rivera's now a starter, Abreu's a left fielder, Farnsworth is making minimum wage and Pierzynski's the second coming of Sean Casey.

That did NOT take long

2008-04-23T20:01:00.022-04:00

vs.
Game 22: April 23, 2008 - 8:11 p.m. ET
U.S. Cellular Field, Chicago, Ill.
Play-by-Play: Michael Kay
Color: David Cone, Paul O'Neill

Open: No one else has spoken yet. On Tuesday's game: "[The Yankees] fell behind early, but they came back."

Facts: The Yankees led, 1-0 and then 2-0. The White Sox tied it in the second. Chicago took a 3-2 lead in the fifth. Kay had barely been on camera for 20 words, including introductions, and he already had amnesia.

Top first: I know he's not that good a player, but don't Alex Rodriguez and his absence merit an explanation for why he's not in the lineup? Kay casually says Hideki Matsui "cleans up" and that Morgan Ensberg is at third

Bottom first: Cone makes up a word -- "variate" as a verb. Think he means vary. He says it again two minutes later, so he didn't just misspeak.

Kay goes to break: "We've played one inning here at the Cell."

The only thing worse than corporate names for parks is nicknames based on those corporate names. In Kay's perpetual search hipness, he has used this unforunate nickname twice. "In Chicago" doesn't suffice?

Top second: Hideki Matsui reaches on an error by Orlando Cabrera. On the replay, the feed freezes and a big blue NEW YORK YANKEES BASEBALL screen comes up. When they finally get live action back, it's Derek Jeter watching from the dugout as Jorge Posada grounds into a double play. Nice job in the technical department. Is there any way Kay can be blamed?

Morgan Ensberg is up, and still that scrub Rodriguez hasn't been mentioned by Kay.

That's now the open, the lineups, Matsui's at-bat and third baseman Ensberg's at-bat without it. We want that "Rod-dree-guez," Michael, give it to us! Kay is probably still salivating over those hot dogs they showed between innings.

Bottom second: Something is clearly wrong with the cameras. Now we get treated to an isolated shot of Jeter during action. We know Kay loves him, but let's at least see the pitch. And no one tells Kay he needs to say more than, "the 0-1" as we watch Jeter kick at the dirt and then get into his crouch.

Top third: Going to break: "We've played 2 1/2 innings here at the Cell."

We get it! You think that is a cool nickname. That is more than once per inning though. Does Kay have a deal on the side with U.S. Cellular?

Bottom third: Kay brings up Nick Swisher's mysterious broken bat from Tuesday. O'Neill thinks Kay still thinks the bat wasn't broken before Swisher swung. O'Neill "I'm telling you, that bat was fractured before he swung." Kay needs to let this go. Someone who is wrong as often as he is shouldn't be so stunned.

Everyone once in a while, Kay thinks he has thought of something no one has thought of before. "Now, when you are allowed to blow on your hand off the mound, can't you spit on your hand?"

Yes, you can even lick it too, which seems to us a better way to get saliva to your hand. Hocking a loogy is a close second though. Hasn't Kay seen Greg Maddux pitch? Oh, yeah, he doesn't watch the National League.

OK, this is long past ridiculous. He did it again. That's four times in three innings. That's four more times than he has mentioned Alex Rodriguez's name.

Bottom fourth: Kay tells us that A.J. Pierzynski came to camp 18 pounds lighter. As an aside, why do we always trust these players at their words on alleged weight loss? Anyway, Kay says that it was "No more room service" for Pierzynski. "He just went to bed."

Kay, who has pondered catching on a hot day in an effort to get his pounds down, should consider this strategy as well.

Mercifully, Kay did not call it the Cell on the way to break.

Top fifth: "Damon is now six for his last 18."

WOW! Where did Kay find that info? In all seriousness, Kay is way too fond of these arbitrary "X-for-his-last-Y" statlines. Now that the season is more than three weeks old, we can expect them for the duration.

Bottom fifth: Kay takes his bathroom break as O'Neill reads a Centerstage promo.

Cone finally mentions Rodriguez, but only in reference to how Joe Crede [shudder] was "almost a Yankee" after Rodriguez opted out. Also, love the "if it's fair, it's gone" call on a homer by Crede that is fair by about 50 feet.

Top sixth: Javier Vazquez gets knocked out of the box. Kay managed to get to this point -- he spent the last inning talking about David Wells for some reason -- without talking about either the trade that brought Vazquez to the Yankees or sent him away. That's OK. It's not as though Nick Johnson and Juan Rivera were involved in the former or Randy Johnson was involved in the latter. Those trades didn't shape any of the Yankees teams this decade.

Bottom sixth: "Mussina averages 80.25 pitchers per game, second-worst in the American League. Paul Byrd is No. 1." Kay goes on to wonder how much longer Mussina will stay in the game because of this.

Three things wrong with this: First, glad we know his pitch count average to two decimal places. Second, if Paul Byrd is worst than Mussina, how is he "No. 1?" Third, Mussina's average pitch count is so low because he has sucked. In his last two starts, Mussina thought he was Manny Ramirez's batting practice pitcher. Let's just say fatigue has not been a problem.

Top seventh: "They actually have a special field for smallball at spring training, for all the little things you do to manufacture runs. That's fine in theory, but you can't do it if you don't have the talent."

Not to get all numbers-wumbers on you, but "talent" and "smallball"? The White Sox were fifth in the majors homers when they won the World Series in 2005. This year, they're fifth again and off to a great start. Coincidence, or Dannon? Maybe the team is talented enough to not have to resort to giving up outs.

Top eighth: Kay's newest broken record: "Beats a hustling ______ down the line." Jeter grounds out and gets such treatment.

Bottom eighth: "I got orders, the first day I took the TV job, John Filipelli told me I could not describe the uniforms. I said, 'Why?' He said, 'Because people can see it.'"

Why did Filipelli exercise such judgment but such poor judgment elsewhere? Wasn't that "why?" question a bad sign? Can't believe he even had to ask

Final score: Yankees 6, White Sox 4
I owe Juan Rivera an apology: "The Yankees fell behind early." It was all smooth sailing from there. Well, not really, but nothing glaring. Except Kay's face.

"See, you can't be kissing the bat"

2008-04-22T20:13:00.014-04:00

vs.
Game 21: April 22, 2008 - 8:11 p.m. ET
U.S. Cellular Field, Chicago, Ill.
Play-by-Play: Michael Kay
Color: David Cone, Paul O'Neill

Top 1st: "Johnny Damon rips one, under the glove of Konerko and it trickles into foul territory down the right-field line..."

I've been noticing this a lot lately. Kay loves to use the word "trickle." The word means "to issue or fall in drops," "to fall in a thin gentle stream," or "to dissipate slowly." It's fine for play-by-play men to take liberties with their action verbs, but that ball didn't exactly roll ever so slowly past Konerko. In fact, given that he barely deflected it, it hardly slowed down. Kay himself said it was ripped. Just because a ball gets by someone, doesn't mean it trickled past. If I didn't know Kay was a moron, I'd say he had a hard-on for Ronald Reagan.

Bot 1st: O'Neill on Paul Konerko: "World Series MVP [in 2005], right?"
Kay: "Mmm-hmmm."
[Four-second pause]
Kay: "I think Dye was the MVP."

Could you have made it any more obvious that you were corrected in your headset?

Bot 2nd: "We go to the bottom of the second inning. It's 2-0, White Sox."

Whoops. I guess Hideki Matsui (RBI fielder's choice) and Jason Giambi (solo home run) play for the men in black-and-white now.

Nick Swisher strikes out, his bat breaking before he even made contact.
O'Neill: "That bat exploded. That had a hairline fracture."
Kay: "There's no way that you think that that bat --"
O'Neill: "No."
Kay: "-- was intact and it just broke from the force of the swing?"

Yes, because that sort of thing happens every other day.

YES later shows a replay of Swisher examining his bat earlier in the at-bat, ultimately deciding it was okay to use and kissing the barrel.
Kay: "See, you can't be kissing the bat. Reacted adversely."

Makes perfect sense. Kay must get that reaction anytime he tries kissing someone. After all, does anyone really think it's an accident that he's 47 and single?

Bot 4th: O'Neill: "Coney, have you ever seen anyone who does more shows than Michael?"
Cone: "He's building quite a résumé."
O'Neill: "Got a cologne out yet?"
Kay: "Soon. I've got a smell, it's jut not in a bottle yet."

Thanks for doing the work for us on that one.

Bot 5th: "In fact, the Cubs have the longest stretch right now of not winning the World Series -- 99 years."

And this qualifies as news?

Top 7th: The Yankees load the bases with one out. Kay: "Chien-Ming Wang knows that if the Yankees could get two runs, he might win. And if the Yankees do get two runs, he's going to lose."

Riiiiight....

Bot 7th: On Brian Bruney: "He's throwing more strikes than he has been. That was the one complaint against him last year."

Something tells us Joe Torre could think of a few others.

Top 8th: "Joba Chamberlain could be that guy, to match up with the Becketts and the Sabathias and the Verlanders and therein lies the problem."

The Yankees have someone that could match up with the elite aces in the American League? Perish the thought.

O'Neill on a Melky Cabrera pop-fly behind the plate: "Grab that, Michael. It was close enough for you."
Kay: "If I was Gumby."

Yes, because four-inch clay figurines are known to have tremendous elasticity. Mr. Fantastic or Stretch Armstrong would have been acceptable references. Considering you're not boning any women, you could at least have enough pride to bone up on your childhood characters.

Final score: Yankees 9, White Sox 5
I owe Juan Rivera an apology: 2. Konerko was the '05 World Series MVP, Mr. Fantastic is Gumby's love child.

April showers bring pretty flowers

2008-04-20T12:56:00.010-04:00

vs.
Game 20: April 20, 2008 - 1:05 p.m. ET
Oriole Park at Camden Yards, Baltimore, Md.
Play-by-Play: Michael Kay
Color: Ken Singleton

Open: "Early this morning, it did not look good for baseball here in Baltimore. But as they say, April showers bring....pretty flowers! That's right! We've got baseball, we've got pretty flowers, we've got everything you could possibly want here on YES!!"

Actually, no one says that. April showers bring May flowers. And you don't have everything I could possibly want -- namely you out of the broadcast booth.

Top 1st: "I asked Alex today, "Do you think your swing is long?' He said, 'Yeah I do.' He said, 'I'm trying to do too much.' He said, 'I just have to take my walks.' He said, 'When everyone else is hitting,' he said, 'then I'll see better pitches to hit.' He said, 'But I'm trying to drive pitches way off the plate and that makes your swing too long.' He said, 'One day recently my swing was short...'"

A new record! Kay surpasses the six "he said"s from yesterday's game with seven in a row today. Congratulations, Michael. You just keep getting worse and worse.

Bot 1st: On Nick Markakis: "Wasn't a tremendously high draft pick, but moved through the system."

Who knows what Kay's thinking, but 2003's seventh-overall pick sounds pretty high to us. We're not exactly talking about an unheralded, 23rd-round underdog who's surprised everyone on his way to stardom, but that's what Kay would have you believe. Anything for a better story.

Top 4th: "You know, you talked about how [Ian] Kennedy and [Phil] Hughes should watch [Andy] Pettitte. You know, watch [Stevel] Trachsel too. Watch veterans that, you know, they wish they had the stuff that those kids have..."

You know, this is less than a day after Kay rightly pointed out -- about 10 times -- that, you know, since Kennedy didn't have plus stuff, he had little margin for error if, you know, he didn't have good command. Now all of a sudden, you know, he's got good stuff.

Play-call of Hideki Matsui's one-out double: "High drive, right field. Giving chase Markakis, on the run....it will be...hopping over the wall....but stay in, should I say, and it's going to be a double and an RBI for A-Rod......or scoring A-Rod by Matsui, and it's 2-0, Yankees."

We hope you stayed tuned for the next batter when Robinson Cano threw out Brian Roberts....or rather Roberts threw out Cano, for the third....or should we say, second, out of the inning.

Top 6th: "You know, Kenny, you look at [Bobby] Abreu with the Yankees and he really, he has revived his career."

Great display of National League knowledge, Michael. If ever Abreu's career was in any doubt, it was in 2007 with the Yankees, not the Phillies. A look at his OPS+ numbers per season the last five years: 2003 - 136 , 2004 - 145, 2005 - 126, 2006/PHI - 118, 2006/NYY- 138, 2007 - 114.

After appearing to strain a thigh muscle while reaching on a fielder's choice, Rodriguez is pinch-run for by Morgan Ensberg. "[Rodriguez] is the only Yankee to play in every game this year."

If you look closely, you'll notice that Cano has also played in every Yankees game this year. There's a line about keeping quiet if you haven't done your homework...

Top 7th: Play-call of Chad Moeller's one-out double to left: "Driven deep to left field! There it goes!! Sssssee....off the wall!"

Is Kay turning into John Sterling with his abortive home-run calls? Yes, the ball was hit hard, but next time please save your "there it goes!" line for no-doubters.

On Chad Bradford, who surrendered Johnny Damon's two-run homer: "You know, the one thing about a pitcher who throws sidearm or underhanded..."

Yes, because the submarining Bradford has received hours of instruction from Jenny Finch and Lisa Fernandez to help him with his underhanded windup.

Bot 7th: A few innings after Kevin Millar's smeared eyeblack caused Kay to remark that "Alice Cooper holding the runner on," Kay now says that "Millar looks like he's auditioning for the reunion tour for KISS."

Thanks, Michael, because we didn't get the stretched joke the first time. And putting aside the fact that reunion tours don't involve imitation acts, you look like you're auditioning for the reunion tour of pencil erasers.

Bot 8th: A rain delay. "They want to save the infield, the skin of the infield, so the quicker they can get the tarp on, the less money it will be when it stops raining."

What?

Final score: Yankees 7, Orioles 1
I owe Juan Rivera an apology: 3. Markakis almost wasn't drafted, Abreu was a scrub on the Phillies, Cano's pinch-hit home run never happened.

"I was there in 1994..."

2008-04-19T19:11:00.004-04:00

vs.
Game 19: April 19, 2008 - 7:05 p.m. ET
Oriole Park at Camden Yards, Baltimore, Md.
Play-by-Play: Michael Kay
Color: Ken Singleton

Bot 1st: Michael Kay relates a pregame conversation he had with Joe Girardi about why Ian Kennedy would have a good start tonight:

"He said, 'Because his last start he was aggressive in the zone.' He said, "I think that's important.' He said, 'That's what I was looking for.' He said, 'He wasn't kinda reaching for the outside corner, he was throwing the ball through.' He said, 'I thought he had pretty good command.'"

That's five -- count it, five -- straight sentences Kay started with "he said."
How articulate.

The infield-fly rule is called on Kevin Millar's pop-up, and Ken Singleton goes on to explain the rule for beginner fans. Kay: "And you can only call the infield-fly rule when there are two runners on. First and second."

Lovely to see a "Major League" play-by-play announcer so familiar with one of baseball's common rules. Singleton corrects Kay by adding that the bases can also be loaded.

Kay rattles off another pregame conversation with Girardi and uses "he said" to begin four straight sentences. Does this qualify as improvement?

Top 2nd: "Now the Yankees last year had some trouble against left-handers on the road. In fact, they won just 14 of their first 16 games on the road against lefty starters."

Oh god, 14-2. What a horrific mark.

Top 3rd: Kay relates the time he was in the first-base dugout for Don Mattingly's and Paul O'Neill's reactions to seeing Camden Yards for the first time -- in 1994.

It's nice to think that Kay has borne witness to the seminal moments of our times, but Mattingly first played at Camden back in 1992, the year it opened, and O'Neill first did so in 1993, his first year in the American League with the Yankees. Neither '92 nor '93 is the same year and neither '92 nor '93 is '94. So it becomes pretty clear that Kay never witnessed this event considering it never happened.

Bot 4th: Robinson Cano makes an error on what would have been the third out of the inning and Kay spends the entire balance of the inning ripping Cano, focusing on how his error has forced Ross Ohlendorf to labor that much more to get out of the fourth.

It's a fair point, but if it had been a Derek Jeter error, would Kay have even gone there? Methinks not.

Top 5th: Another Kay "he said" fest, this time holding steady at four consecutive sentences when relating an Alex Rodriguez conversation. I guess I can sympathize with Kay's "he saiditis" -- it must be pretty hard for Kay to go all night long not doing it.

That's what she said.

Bot 6th: Singleton calls the first three pitches of Brandon Fahey's at-bat, so one can only assume Kay took a prolonged bathroom break in between innings for the second time in three days. Must be where he reloads on all the crap he force-feeds the viewing audience.

Bot 7th: As Ohlendorf begins his fourth full inning, Kay brings up his history as a stater and how the Yankees moved him to the bullpen, where they think he's a better pitcher because he can throw harder and only needs to rely on two pitches.

Kay must be hurting for material, because he made the EXACT same speech during Ohlendorf's outing on Wednesday vs. the Red Sox. At this rate, we're going to hear about Mike Lowell's forced inclusion in the 2005 Josh Beckett-Hanley Ramirez trade before this game is over.

Top 8th: "I'm always amazed, Kenny, that somehow, all those years ago, Abner Doubleday knew that 90 feet was the perfect distance."

And the Kay lies continue! It's common knowledge at this point that the myth of Abner Doubleday inventing baseball was discredited.

Final score: Orioles 6, Yankees 0.

I owe Juan Rivera an apology: 4. Not knowing the infield-fly rule, the Yankees went 14-2 against lefties, Camden Yards opened in 1994 and Abner Doubleday created baseball.

Kay on a road trip

2008-04-18T21:41:00.006-04:00

vs.

Game 18 April 18, 2008 - 7:05 p.m. ET
Oriole Park at Camden Yards, Baltimore, Md.
Play-by-Play: Michael Kay
Color: Kenny Singleton (Welcome back, Kenny!)

Straight to the Kaytributions:

Top second: "In this lineup, Cano, Damon and Giambi aren't where they want to be."

Because if they were in a worse lineup, they'd want to have OBPs of .191, .323 and .294.

Bottom second: Talking about Wally Pipp and the famous story."You kind of think Gehrig would have begun to play eventually."

Points for Michael. Even after perpetuating the myth, he still accepts the reality that Gehrig was good enough to win a job without Pipp's "headache."

On the Nationals new stadium threatening the Orioles: Many people consider this park to be a better park. But it's [Nationals Park] is still a nice park.

Nationals Park has hosted one papal Mass and six baseball games. Is it safe to say the jury is still out on the stadium?

Top third: "He thre five pitches. Fiiiiive pitches."

That second one came with some sort of Southern twang. Thanks, Michael.Your regular voice is not annoying enough. Now you know adding an accent will not improve it. You haven't hit rock bottom.

Top fourth: "Babe Ruth was ACTUALLY born here in Baltimore ... Legend has it that Babe Ruth's father ACTUALLY ran a saloon where center field is now ... You can ACTUALLY see the room in which Babe was born. [a little later] Babe Ruth ACTUALLY won a World Series with the Red Sox."

Love YES (My9). After talking about Babe Ruth, they find a fat fan in a Yankees cap. Awesome job.

Bottom fourth: Luke Scott scalds a ball down the right-field line. It gets to the corner. Let's join Kay. "Abreu spins, FIRES ... and Scott has a double."

Not only did Scott have a double, he didn't have to slide. That didn't stop Kay's aborted orgasm though.

Top fifth: "Two pitchers on the mound who can be very, very good or very, very bad. Tonight, they're ... pretty good."

Kenny goes through the stats on Eutaw Street, the roadway in front of the warehouse. Kay: "If this were an SAT exam, it would be Eutaw Street is to Camden Yards as the black seats are to Yankee Stadium."

"SAT exams" don't have analogies anymore. That's also a tough analogy considering Eutaw Street is outside and the black seats are inside the ballpark.

Kay just read a spot for Flavor Flav's reality show.

Did Kay get on Darryl Strawberry for not doing more games for SNY? "I think he and Paul O'Neill are seeing who can do more games. It must be a right fielder thing."

Who are you to talk? What's your excuse? You and Joe Buck are competing to see who can do fewer games. Must be a pompous ass thing.

Kay goes on and on about how great Jeter is great with runners in scoring position and two outs.

Career line: .317/.388/.462 (average/on-base percentage/slugging percentage)
RISP and two outs: .317/.417/.448

Top sixth: Robinson Cano hits a belt-high fastball to left. "Scooped out to left."

What does that even mean?

Top seventh: Jeter fists a single to right. "That is a Jeterian swing as he takes it to right."

Why does Jeter get so much credit for hitting weak ground balls to the right side? If Brian Roberts had been playing two steps to his left, that is a routine play.

This game was a disaster for the Yankees and not much better for Kay. He added a spins, FIRES to his repertoire on what was a clear double. More Saturday!

Test Kay for Amphetamines

2008-04-17T20:52:00.008-04:00

vs.
Game 17: April 17, 2008 - 7:05 p.m. ET
Yankee Stadium, New York, N.Y.
Play-by-Play: Michael Kay
Color: John Flaherty and Al Leiter

Michael Kay goes back-to-back for the first time since April 6-7. Stop the presses. And better test him. A Mike Cameron suspension could do wonders for us.

Top second: Everyone knows Manny Ramirez kills the Yankees. He hits a home run in the second inning, and Kay and Co. talk about the Bonds treatment. Kay: "There were a couple of times where a team was leading by two runs in the late innings walked Bonds with the bases loaded. They figured the one run was better than four."

* As far as we know, this only happened once, in 1998. And the move, by the Yankees' friend Buck Showalter, came in the bottom of the ninth inning. He didn't want Bonds to have a chance to tie the game with a hit, so he let Brent Mayne come up with a chance to win a game with a hit. You can make a case that Showalter's math makes sense, but Kay's talk of four runs is pure idiocy.

"Ortiz is struggling so much. There are 203 major leaguers that qualify to be among the leaders. Coming into today, a .121 batting average, slugging percentage .172, OPS, that's on-base plus slugging, .411. And he's last in the major leagues in everyone of those categories, so he has the negative triple crown."

*Ah yes, the negative triple crown. Never mind those aren't the categories used for the traditional -- albeit stupid -- triple crown: batting average, homers and RBIs. Shouldn't the negative triple crown be made up of bad stats, such as K's, grounded in to double plays and caught stealings or something? If Kay's idea is to suggest that Ortiz is the worst hitter in baseball right now, I would be much more amused by his OPS+ of 3.

Bottom second: This has to be the worst YES team out there. No Kenny or O'Neill. Flaherty says about one or two intelligent things a game. And Al Leiter just doesn't shut up! Kay asks him if Boston's Josh Beckett was cocky. Leiter talks about Beckett wanting to "poke his eye out" -- how immature are major leaguers? -- and finally ends up with an expose on pitching backwards -- that's throwing breaking balls behind in the count. Long story -- and we mean LONG story -- short, Beckett is not a punk anymore. Glad that took 10 minutes.

Top third: The Kay Inquisition is on! "Let me ask you this, Al."
"Let me ask you this, John"

* Over and over and over again.

Michael gets to read two pitch-count graphics in one inning.

* Not a good sign for Mussina or Kay.

YES' replay crew having some trouble. They go to break showing both of Ramriez's home runs and we hear Kay's "Melky!" call underneath Kay's inane description of what has happened.

* Now we know what will be the next torture technique developed when waterboarding is banned. Kayboarding. The unfortunate one will be placed in a room and hear Kay give a nasal description of what happened 15 minutes ago over a recording of his overexcited and inaccurate live call of the action. Example, in print, so bear with us:

But not before SEEYA! the Yankees score A BOOMING HOME RUN three runs BY ALEX ROD-DREEGUEZ the big blow a home run from A-Rod. OH WHAT A SHOT.

That was painful just to type.

Bottom third: Kay clearly needs a personal break -- or a feeding break, it is the third inning -- because Flaherty takes it back from commercial. He makes reference to Ramirez's pair of bombs. Ten seconds later, Kay says the same thing. Nice teamwork, guys.

Chad Moeller up. "Talking to Brian Cashman about the story of how he signed Moeller. He said he was sitting in a car and said to his assistant, 'You know, Moeller would be a good guy to sign, especially with the injury ... to the kid.'"

* First of all, great story! A true look behind the genius of Cashman. I'll mail the Emmy. Second of all, Kay clearly didn't remember the name of Francisco Cervelli, the catcher run over in the spring's most famous play. Kay said it 20 seconds later, but surely only after someone chirped it in his ear.

Top four: "Some pitchers don't like to pitch with a lead."

* Name one. Shouldn't be too hard. All the ones I talk to prefer to be bombed and trailing by five runs. Takes the pressure off. Kay later adds "big" to "lead" but even Leiter calls him out on his stupidity. "I'll take 10 runs any time."

Bottom four: Leiter shows the difference between a two-seam and four-seam fastball. Kay doesn't remark on with which hand Leiter is demonstrating tonight. He also looks mighty uncomfortable, eyes darting back and forth, not at the camera, and not at Leiter either.

Kay brings up the Beckett deal with the Marlins. Oh no, here it comes! Wait, no, he just says that Hanley Ramirez will be an MVP in the National League. Fair enough. Coast clear? Nope.

Leiter: "The intriguing part of that trade was that Mike Lowell was a throw-in."

* Amazing! This trade happened on Nov. 24, 2005. Is there some clause in Kay's contract that requires him or someone on YES to mention that Lowell was a throw-in? Jeez.

Top five: Another update on that mind-numbingly stupid story about the David Ortiz jersey buried in the new Yankee Stadium. It was dug up on Sunday and now the Yankees have "donated it to the Dana Carve-- Dana-Farber Cancer Institute ... David Ortiz jersey, bringing in a lot of cash so far."

* Let's leave aside the hilarious slip of tongue -- Dana Carvey running a cancer foundation. Not yet, Michael. It's an auction. People bid, and then when someone has made the highest bid, that person, and only that person, pays. Surprised Kay hasn't ventured into the whole ebay world.

Top seven: Krazy Kyle Farnsworth throws one behind Ramirez's head. Kay: "You can't read anyone's mind, and we're not even going to try, but do you think that was on purpose?"

* Hmm, maybe we misunderstood, but seems like you do want to try.
Bottom ninth: Melky Cabrera goes deep. Hideki Matsui comes up. Under his image on screen, a Cabrera graphic appears.

No word on if Kay is heading to Baltimore, but we hope he is.

Wang crashes Taiwan's economy

2008-04-16T18:24:00.009-04:00

vs.
Game 16: April 16, 2008 - 7:05 p.m. ET
Yankee Stadium, New York, N.Y.
Play-by-Play: Michael Kay
Color: John Flaherty and Al Leiter

Open: YES' highlight-reel opens are getting better and better. The production value remains high -- this time Gothic overtones accompany footage of the Yankees & Red Sox doing battle. But the best part? No nasal Kay voiceover to spoil it this time. The images do indeed speak for themselves. The less Kay, the better.

Kay: "Well, the Yankees have won two in a row, the Red Sox have won four in a row. They're neck-and-neck in the AL East. So what else is new?"

Ummm, we don't know....could it be that you're actually calling a game?

Bot 1st: "Let's take a look at the Red Sox defensive schematic behind [Clay] Buchholz."

What is this? Football? Let's not get cute and just stick with defensive alignment.

Heading to break: "A history-making home run by Alex Rodriguez ... the 522nd of his career, passing the great Ted Williams and Willie McCovey. A couple of Hall of Famers. A-Rod will join them soon."

Oh, that's right. We forgot that Induction Weekend 2023 was next month.

Top of 2nd: On a ball in the dirt that hits Chad Moeller on a bounce: "Another nice block by Moeller."

According to Kay, any block is a nice block. A catcher could miss a ball with his glove by three feet only for the ball to hit him in the face and Kay would say it was a nice block. Kate Moss is about the only person capable of not making that block. OK, maybe Calista Flockhart too.

Bot 2nd: On Jason Giambi and his miniscule batting average: "I would think that Jason would want to get off the interstate and get three or four cheap hits."

Prior to the at-bat, Giambi was hitting .094. After grounding out, Giambi's hitting .091. It would be progress for him to get on the interstate. Kind of hard to get off when you're not on.

Bot 4th: After Al Leiter displays how to grip a change-up: "We got Leiter now on camera -- with the right hand he showed the change-up, not the left."

Leiter: "What? What are you looking at?"

Flaherty: "No, he showed it with the left that time."

Kay: "Really? Are you sure? Well, then I'm wrong. I was looking at it in a mirror."

Or you're just an idiot. Either way works.

Derek Jeter singles with the bases loaded, driving in two and knocking Buchholz out of the game. Kay: "Clay Buchholz said he dreamed of facing Derek Jeter. As they say, 'Be careful what you wish for.'"

Not a bad line, but this is now the third time Kay has made reference to Buchholz's childhood dream. As they say, "Be careful of knowing nothing and saying the same dumb thing over and over."

Top 5th: The Red Sox score a run and then load the bases with none out.
Kay: "Now how's this for pressure for a pitcher? An entire economy in Taiwan rests on how Chien-Ming Wang does."

Yes, because another hit here and Taiwan is going to have to get the IMF's phone number. Just about the worst hyperbole I've heard from Kay. And given his talk about the Taiwanese stock exchange -- the TSEC for the uninitiated -- I'm pretty sure he was serious.

J.D. Drew singles to center, plating two runs. Time to send over the Peace Corps.

Top 6th: "Russ Ohlendorf still in there."

Nice to see Kay taking a page out of Tim McCarver's book. And going a step further -- getting the name wrong of a player on his own team.

Bot 8th: Kay's call on Jorge Posada's two-run single: "That one's off the ....... handle of the bat and he dunks it for a base hit. One run scores. Here comes A-Rod, he'll score. Posada's at second with a double. The throw gets away, but the pinch-runner, Johnny Damon, stops at third."

Anatomy of a bad call: First, Kay was completely frozen and left a good two full seconds of dead air while he tried to think of something to say. Then the throw in from J.D. Drew hit Posada as he slid into second base, but we can't rely on Kay to mention something like that. To top it off, he mentions Damon for the first time as he reaches third base. Always a good sign. Another reminder that while Kay is terrible away from the action, he's also terrible calling the action.

Top 9th A foul ball off the bat of Julio Lugo is retrieved by a cameraman in the first-base dugout. Kay asks the cameraman, Matt, if he's all right. Matt visibly says something along the lines of, "Yeah, I'm all right," but since YES shockingly isn't in the habit of having their cameramen's mikes hot, Kay doesn't hear him and assumes he's being ignored.

Kay: "Doesn't even answer. They all ignore me. Absolutely no respect."

Drop me a line when you give them some reason to. Giving notice would be a good first step.

The Yankees win the game, 15-9. The game took 4:08 to play -- way too much Kay for one night. Anyone know of a good emergency eye wash shower in the area?

Who does he think he is, Joe Buck?

2008-04-14T19:53:00.002-04:00

Michael doesn't make the trip to Tampa (Bay). Stunner. Last time we got on Kay for this, it turned out his mother was dying. We're understandably loath to do it again. That said, let's take a look at the standings.

Michael Kay 8
Kenny Singleton 4
Joe Buck 1
Jon Miller 1

Joe Buck is famous for not doing that much work. All Kay has to do is go on an uninformed rant about how distasteful a player's celebration is and he's right on track. Oh, and call the World Series and the Super Bowl and have a Hall of Fame broadcaster for a father.

Quick update

2008-04-13T11:06:00.002-04:00

Play-by-play for Yankees games in 2008:
Michael Kay: 8
Others: 5

Keep it up!

Welcome back, Michael

2008-04-11T20:03:00.009-04:00

vs.

Game 11: April 11, 2008 - 7:05 p.m. ET
Fenway Park, Boston, Mass.
Play-by-Play: Michael Kay
Color: Kenny Singleton and David Cone

Michael Kay makes his triumphant return to the booth. He tells the viewers that he spent part of his time off doing "research" looking up Jason Varitek's numbers on his birthday, which is today.

Some early game highlights:

YES doesn't have the game Saturday -- it's on FOX's air. Damn it! Promoting the pitching matchup, YES tells its viewers on a graphic "Postgame after the game."

Is that when a postgame is? Man.

"Chien-Ming Wang has faced the minimum nine Red Sock"

Red Sox is plural in almost every form, but Kay decides to make it singular here. Bizarre.

Kay calls Bill Buckner a borderline Hall of Famer.

Now, Kay was right when he said that Buckner was unfairly made a villain after that ball rolled through his legs in 1986. But he was a one-time All-Star and had a career OPS+ of 99. That makes him below average offensively, and he played first base and the outfield, not positions where people are supposed to be below average offensively.

Mike Lowell is on the disabled list, robbing Kay of his favorite story: "The Marlins ACTUALLY FORCED the Red Sox to take Lowell. He's been saying this since the deal happened.

How does Kay fill the time? He's moderated roundtable discussions about aluminum and wooden bats, where to ride on the team plane and the grammatical correctness of the New York Smokers Quitline question. What's next? Asking Kenny if he wants Obama or Clinton -- or McCain -- to get elected?

For 1,000 years, Kay has told us that Fenway Park opened on the same night the Titanic sank. Not quite. April 14-15 was the Titanic; April 20 was Fenway. He makes no mention of the "coinciding" events tonight. Maybe he read up on that when the team was in Kansas City. This has made us and others wonder, how many other stories are Kay fabrications?

The Red Sox hit four fly balls in the fifth inning, one of which goes out for a home run. After the fourth, which was the third out of the inning, Kay says, "Well, about ... a mile of fly balls that inning."

A mile is 5,280 feet. If each of those balls traveled 400 feet (generous) that amounts to 1,600 feet. Now, maybe Kay has watched Shawshank Redemption too much ("500 yards ... Justy shy of half a mile") but that doesn't add up.

Great television from YES here, in all seriousness. They show Clay Buchholz shake off Varitek while pitching to Alex Rodriguez. Rodriguez gets a hit, and Varitek gives a "told-you-so" look to Buchholz. Kay says it's the same kind of look you get from your parents when they tell you not to touch the stove, you touch it anyway and end up getting burned.

How many times do you think Kay touched the stove as a kid? Five? 10?

YES puts up a Mike Timlin graphic next to Bobby Meachem. Nice.

In the seventh, David Ortiz is up. "Grounded to third. First, I mean. Three in your scorebook."

Wake up Michael! It's only 9:15! You've had three days off!

Kay goes on and on about how brave people who wear Yankees apparel in Fenway Park are. "Everyone is looking at them and hating them right now."

A feeling Kay has had many times, no doubt.

"So Matsui reaches on a fielder's choice. So he's been on base all four times"

"Saturday's game is on FOX. Once it ends, BOOM, turn over to YES."

"He picked the right pitch there and bottom just dropped out of it. Speaking of bottoms, we're going to the bottom of the eighth."

"Got to give some props to Jose Molina."

To quote Sean Combs' character in Made, Michael Kay is not in a position to dis, give props or whatever [his] Real World sense of decorum tells [him] to do.

Joe Suck and FOX have tomorrow's game, but he's been known to say some dumb things. ESPN has Sunday's game. Rough weekend for Kay.

About to take a break

2008-04-07T19:09:00.011-04:00

vs.

Game 7: April 7, 2008 - 7:05 p.m. ET
Yankee Stadium, New York, N.Y.
Play-by-Play: Michael Kay
Color: Kenny Singleton and John Flaherty

Pregame: Michael Kay decides to go sans tie for the evening and wears a black turtleneck under a brown sports jacket. After a few games of conceding that the first pitch of the game is in fact baseball, Kay goes back to his "lineups, first pitch baseball" routine.

Top first: Kay blends fact with fiction when he says the "Yankees would never (emphasis his) shift like this under Joe Torre."

He's right that they have been more liberal in employing the shift under Joe Girardi. But David Ortiz comes to mind as a hitter who got Derek Jeter over to the first-base side of second base.

Top second: Kay busts out the ole "home run in a silo" joke on a popout by Willy Aybar. He never loses points for originality. Since the ball was caught in foul territory, wouldn't it be a foul ball in a silo?

Top third: Johnny Gomes hits a solo homer to left field. "A late edition to the lineup, and it pays off."

Cute, Michael. But he was only in the lineup because Cliff Floyd's knee acted up. If you were listening to yourself from an inning ago or to John Flaherty from earlier this inning -- we tune out too, it's OK -- you would have known that.

Commercial: YESterdays looks like a show to miss. Why? It's hosted by Kay. Don't the YES bigwigs get tired of seeing him? No one this side of Joe Buck is more overexposed at a network.

Bottom third: All Kay can come up with for Morgan Ensberg is "made the team out of spring training. Non-roster invitee."

What about his 2005 with the Astros? What about what he did last season?

Why does Kay say "Hey" before reading the disclaimer that says "This copyrighted telecast ..."? Why does he feel the need to say "aforementioned New York" every time he reads that thing? These are the questions that keep me up at night.

Derek Jeter, who left the game in the third inning, has a "strained left quadricept" as Kay phrases it. Too bad it's "quadriceps," even when it is singular.

Top fifth: Kay tells everyone that Mussina allowed a .347 batting average with two outs and runners in scoring position. "Those are backbreakers." Then he reads a pitch-count graphic.

That's nice, but Mussina allowed all opponents to hit .311 against him last season. With runners in scoring position, that went up to .316. In the 75 at-bats with RISP in two outs, that number went up a bit. Stop the presses! Maybe Mussina just sucked altogether last season. His ERA was north of 5.00, after all

Bottom fifth: Bad news! Kay isn't going to Kansas City. He's going to take three days off, show up in Boston for one game -- two of the games are on national television -- then, maybe, IF we're lucky, grace us with his presence in ~~Tampa Bay~~ St. Petersburg.

"Let's take this baby to the sixth."

I just love it when he says that.

Top sixth: Robinson Cano makes an error, but Mike Mussina gets out of the inning. "Mussina avoids trouble because of the E-4."

I think you meant, "He avoids trouble despite the E-4." Nitpicking? This is the bigs!

Bottom sixth: Kay gets on Bobby Abreu for not running out a ball that turned into a triple. Think that had to do with this?

WHOOOOSH. "Chat with other Yankees fans on YESNetwork.com." The sound effect for that graphic almost made me jump out of my chair.

Bottom seventh: Kay says the Yankees have had four no-hitters since they last had a cycle on Sept. 3, 1995, the date of their last cycle. "Including two perfect games."

That's three no-hitters by my count: Doc Gooden, David Wells and David Cone.

Top of the ninth: Not the time to identify yourself. Especially with two outs. Game over. On to basketball in earnest.

No fields, fires or oh, what a plays -- remember, Jeter left the game with an injury -- but Kay did owe Juan Rivera an apology for forgetting how many no-hitters the Yankees had thrown.

The Rays and Kay, A Rare Combination

2008-04-04T19:41:00.011-04:00

vs.

Game 4: April 4, 2008 - 7:05 p.m. ET
Yankee Stadium, New York, N.Y.
Play-by-Play: Michael Kay
Color: Kenny Singleton and John Flaherty

Three games into the season is apparently too soon for Michael Kay to take his typical Rays series off. Tonight he's joined by Kenny Singleton and John Flaherty. We join the action in the bottom of the first, and Kay gets off on the right foot. He quotes Baseball Prospectus, which he describes as "... a respected ... [long pause] publication among baseball people." Given his usual backhanded criticism of all things sabermetric, this is a step in the right direction.

Top second: Singleton points out that Nathan Haynes is a nephew of the Pointer Sisters (ouch). He gets in two Kay-esque jokes about "Jump (For My Love)" and "I'm So Excited." Can't be sure, but it sounded as though Kay was punching the wall of the booth that he didn't get those in himself. Those jokes are the kind of prep he does before the games. Then he rips Kenny -- outrageous! -- for only knowing two Pointer Sister songs. If Kay knows more, he should be ashamed of himself.

Bottom second: Kay says people have come up to him in the last "day or so and said, you know, the Yankees are really slumping."

Oh, Michael, living the life, walking down Fifth Avenue shopping for double-breasted suits and having people start conversations with him and telling him how worried they are about the Yankees' offense.

Top third: Carlos Pena at the plate. Everyone forgets that the Yankees had control of Pena in Triple-A in 2006. Kay is part of everyone. "Before last year, he had really bounced around. He had been with five different teams." Luckily Flaherty saves the day by pointing out that one of those teams was the Yankees.

Then Kay says that Pena took control and "wanted to stay" with the Rays. That's why he signed the three-year deal worth $24 million. If not for Pena's desire to stay, according to Kay, agent Scott Boras would have "shopped him around."

Now, I know Boras is a good agent. But please get back to me when he can get a player to be a free agent before his service time qualifies him. Pena still has two years left of arbitration eligibility and won't be a free agent until after the 2009 season. Just details to Kay.

Bottom third: Fun with accuracy: Jose Molina hits a ball off the base of the left-field wall. According to Kay, "he missed a home run by two feet." That's a short wall.

Two booth identifications in half an hour! It's also two in an inning. Who's calling this game again?

Bottom fourth: Credit where credit is due: YES plays Hank Aaron's 714th home run -- complete with Milo Hamilton's call. Kay, telling the famous Alexa Rodriguez story, but calls it a red hawk instead of a red-tailed hawk. Guess he's not an ornithologist.

Top eighth: Tampa Bay leads, 7-4. Second and third. "This becomes a very big batter in the game. 7-3 Rays. If it becomes 9-4 -- 7-4 Rays I should say -- 9-4 Rays would be a lot tougher."

Kay's been taking a nap through most of the game, which is a favor to his viewers but has made writing this post a little tough. He later adds "Rays lead 7-4" to reassure everyone he really did know the score the first time.

Not too many gold mines for Kay in this one. He laid out and let Kenny do his thing and Flaherty make his obvious comments. I wasn't too interested in watching LaTroy Hawkins and Co. throw batting practice in the eighth and ninth innings, so if Kay said anything stupid, someone else is going to have to tell you about it.

Opening Day, Take II

2008-04-01T21:58:00.006-04:00

vs.
Game 1: April 1, 2008 - 7:05 p.m. ET
Yankee Stadium, New York, N.Y.
Play-by-Play: Michael Kay (back in the saddle!)
Color: Paul O'Neill

And so another season is upon us! We here at FMK invite you to sit down, relax, and cringe to the worst voice on television. Our "Fields, FIRES," and "Oh, what a play!" meters are all set to zero and we're ready for business.

Open: A nicely engineered spot by YES on the illustrious history of Yankee Stadium, entering this, its final season. It was a well-produced package, but Kay's narrating with his nasal "voice" killed whatever mystique this might have had for us.

Kay: "What's the greatest moment for a pitcher? A no-hitter. And it gets even better. A perfect game, and the Yankees have had a couple of those here as well..."

OK, a no-hitter's the greatest moment a pitcher can have, except it's not, because a perfect game's even greater, which makes it ... the greatestest? And last time we checked, "a couple" means two. Don Larsen is one, David Wells is two, David Cone...

Top of the 2nd: Kay on injured Jays 3B Scott Rolen: "He's won World Championships, obviously, with the Cardinals."

Oh, obviously. The Cardinals' last World Series titles were in 2006 and 1982. Who could forget a 7-year-old Rolen hitting between Keith Hernandez and Darrell Porter for Whitey Herzog's crew?

O'Neill: "You haven't missed a game in years, right?"

Paul O'Neill, FMK's undercover agent! Kay doesn't detect O'Neill sarcasm and replies with, "Now I'll be sick tomorrow, you watch."

I'll make the chicken soup.

Bot of the 2nd: After Hideki Matsui grounds out for the final out of the inning, Kay says, "And that will do it for Roy Halladay."

Umm...we're pretty sure that after a four-pitch inning, Halladay will be back out for the third.

Top of the 5th: A rare moment as Kay catches himself mispronouncing David Eckstein's name as "Eck-steen." (He also said "Eck-steen" when going over Toronto's lineup in the first). Nice to see Kay consciously trying to get the opposition's name right, but apparently it's too much to ask him to pronounce the Yankees' best player's name correctly. "Rod-dree-guez" makes us cringe every time.

Bot of the 6th: The best part about O'Neill is you'll be moseying along and all of a sudden, a great random outburst. To wit:

O'Neill: "Mike, we're in the bottom of the 6th inning and we haven't mentioned one of your shows yet. What's going on here tonight? They lose all the memos, huh?

Kay: "It's too quick, it's all about baseball today."

Haha, tremendous. A tacit admission by Kay that a Yankees baseball game on YES is rarely ever just about baseball.

Top of the 9th: Kay on Joe Girardi: "Yes, he's managed before. He managed one year with the Marlins and actually won the National League Manager of the Year job."

Actually, he won the National League Manager of the Year Award. If being the National League Manager of the Year is a job, where can I send my résumé?

Final Score: Yankees 3, Blue Jays 2

Fields, FIRES: 1-for-2. Nailed it on the first play of the year (Eckstein's grounder to Jeter), but then with an alternate "Jeter from the 2B-side of the bag, FIRES low!" on Gregg Zaun's tapper in the 2nd.

OH, what a play!: A meek 0-for-2. He whiffed on Melky Cabrera's back-to-back grabs in the 4th.

I owe Juan Rivera an apology: 2. David Cone's perfect game never happened, Scott Rolen won a World Series ring at 7.

A Jew celebrates Easter

2008-03-23T13:02:00.002-04:00

vs.
March 23, 2008 - 1:05 p.m. ET
McKechnie Field, Bradenton, Fla.
Play-by-Play : Bob Lorenz. Again!
Color: Ken Singleton

Well, Michael Kay couldn't be bothered to make the 38-minute trip to Dunedin, so why should he be expected to travel the 54 minutes to Bradenton?

That's right, Bob Lorenz is back at the mic for the Yankees. Under other circumstances, we might understand Kay taking this game off. It's Easter Sunday, after all. Only problem is Kay is Jewish.

We don't know the exact particulars behind Kay's absence this afternoon, but would it have really killed him to have gone out of his way to make the hour trip to Bradenton and given a goy like Lorenz the chance to spend Easter Sunday with his family? Apparently the answer to that is yes. How are we not surprised?

MID - Missing in Dunedin

2008-03-20T23:04:00.004-04:00

vs.
March 20, 2008 - 1:05 p.m. ET
Knology Park, Dunedin, Fla.
Play-by-Play : Mi...Bob Lorenz?!
Color: Ken Singleton

Well, folks, the regular season is almost upon us. Want proof? It's a road game for the Yankees, so Michael Kay of course is unable to grace us with his presence. Dunedin must be the Floridian equivalent of Oakland. When's the last time Kay was there? 1998?

It might prove instructive to Lorenzblog this matchup of Ian Kennedy vs. the immortal Kane Davis. However, if Tuesday's broadcast from Virginia Tech was any indication, Bob Lorenz is as dull as dishwater in a game-announcing role. Or dull as ditchwater. Whichever you prefer, either is acceptable. The bottom line is he's no Kevin Burkhardt.

Back on Saturday for the rematch at Legends Field, where the legendary voice of Michael Kay is expected to be back in a living room near you.

Perspective

2008-03-18T20:07:00.008-04:00

vs.

March 18, 2008 - 3:15 p.m. ET
Exhibition
English Field, Blacksburg, Va.
Play-by-Play: Michael Kay
Color: Bob Lorenz (!)

Open: We could make a joke about how the real tragedy is that Michael Kay has been the television voice of the Yankees since 2002, but that's probably in poor taste. With that in mind, YES did itself proud to get up to English Field and put on a broadcast indistinguishable from its normal ones. Kay and Lorenz -- why did YES not send a real color guy? -- wear suits, and their ties almost match Virginia Tech's colors of maroon and orange. Just so you know, Kay varied from his foolish routine and said, "When we come back, we'll have lineups, the first pitch, the whole bit." Good job!

Top first: The Yankees waste no time scoring a run, but Jason Giambi hits into a double play that Kay is sufficiently moved to bestow a "pretty play." Off to a flying start.

Bottom first: Kay goes back to the double play turned by Virginia Tech and says it was a "pretty major-league play."

Did he mean it's close to a big-league play but not quite there, or does he mean that it's a nice-looking major-league play. The first is insulting, the second is annoying. He just said pretty in the top of the inning. Turn off the repeat setting.

Top second: In describing the stadium, which seats 5,000, despite Kay's declaration a day earlier that it held 10,000, Kay says, "field-wise, it's a major-league field."

Hmmm. Announcer-wise, Kay's a bad announcer. What he meant was that the dimensions are similar to those in big-league ballparks. Or at least I think that's what he meant. It's so hard to tell these days.

Kay gets all excited about a Jason Giambi fly to right, but he takes his foot off the gas pedal just in time. "That one is CLUBBED to deep right. On the TRACK, Bumbry makes the catch."

If I wanted to hear gross exaggerations, I would have tried to hear John Sterling's call on the radio.

Top third: Alex Rodriguez is in the dugout with the Virginia Tech players. Kay: "Not to sound hokey ... no pun intended."

Not to sound obnoxious, but no pun intended? Of course not. Hokey is a word bandied about by everyone. He would have used it even if the school's mascot wasn't the Hokie.

Bottom fourth: Jeff Karstens ~~drew the short straw~~ had the honor of coming up to Virginia to pitch this game. Kay says: "I'd say his only shot to make the team was as a long reliever."

Clearly Kay has not seen what I have seen during Karstens' trips to the batting cage and catching other pitchers in the bullpen. He has a great shot as the backup catcher or as a pinch-hitter.

Bottom sixth: Kay says it wasn't that long ago when Kimberly Jones -- ugh -- was a student at Penn State. Kim will be 40 next year. That means she's nearing her 20th reunion. Congrats! And, 16 or so years is a long time.

Later, Bob Lorenz casually mentions that Phil Hughes went to college. Kay says nothing.

End seventh: Before I can find the remote -- I know, I know, I should have it at the ready -- Kay says, "We'll be back from Blacksburg, Virginia. Southwest Virginia to be exact."

"I need some directions."
"Where are you going?"
"Blacksburg, Virginia."
"OK, take Interstate 81 to U.S. 461 and you can't miss it."
"Yeah, but will that be in Southwest, Virginia?"

Oh, what a play!: 0-for-0

Fields, fires!: 0-for-0

I owe Juan Rivera an apology: Letting Lorenz's comment about Hughes slip by was pretty bad. But Kay kept the blatant errors to himself.

Michael O'Sucks

2008-03-17T20:14:00.009-04:00

vs.

March 17, 2008 - 1:15 p.m. ET
Spring Training Game 17
Legends Field, Tampa, Fla.
Play-by-Play: Michael Kay
Color: John Flaherty

Open: Well, it's St. Patrick's Day. Michael Kay dresses up in a lime-green nightmare, and John Flaherty sports a different shade of green. If it's possible for Kay to be more offensive to the eyes than usual, this is a good way to prove it.

YES, being ever so clever, tosses an O' in front of each name on the graphic -- John O'Flaherty and Michael O'Kay. I'm not here to hate on St. Patrick's Day. YES could have gone the extra mile and made all its graphics green, but, given their difficulties, the production truck would probably have exploded if they tried that.

Kay expounds on how great a coup it was for the Red Sox to sign today's starter, Bartolo Colon. And he's still excluding the game's first pitch from being a part of baseball.

Bottom first: On the Yankees' lineup "No green rookies in there."

YES shows a man with a hands-free device under a green plastic hat. Kay: "You've heard of BlueTooth. That's GreenTooth."

To quote Peter Falk's character from Made, "Do you see a pattern forming here?" Kay loves these green jokes, but they're just not funny. Of course, he has the comedic sense to stop making them.

Meanwhile, Colon -- surprise! -- has begun to suck, and Kay starts ripping the pitcher's body language. Gone is the effusive praise that was spewed out in the opening. All it took was 2/3 of an inning in a spring training game!

Top second: Oh no, here we go again: "Funny thing about Lowell -- when the Red Sox traded for Josh Beckett, the Marlins forced them to take Lowell too ..."

For those who didn't watch a Yankees-Red Sox game in 2006-2007, this may come as news. Percentage that meets that criterion in today's audience? 1? Lowell has re-signed with the Red Sox for $12 million per year, $3 million more per year than he made after coming over from Florida. Seems to me he is no longer being forced upon the Red Sox.

Suddenly, Michael Kay is asking radio "voice" Suzyn Waldman a question. Who let her into the stadium? Luckily, YES keeps her off-microphone and off camera. The way it should be.

Bottom second: All this talk about the Red Sox and their travel to Japan sounds familiar. Oh, yeah, that's right, Kay spent the last four innings of Sunday's game talking about it because he couldn't bother to remember more than one pitcher in the Indians bullpen.

Top third: Ah, yes, Kay's daily eyesight check. Jeter gets to a ball any shortstop would get to, and Kay raves about how Jeter worked to improve his range to his left. "His range up the middle is somewhat limited. His range in the hole is good."

That's like saying: "Eliot Spitzer's political options are somewhat limited." As for Jeter's range in the hole, that's below average, too. Why do you think he's jumping all the time? This isn't the time or the place to go into a long soliloquy on how bad Jeter's defense is, but this is just another example of Kay's apologizing for a player.

Bottom third: We get it, you are Michael O'Kay for the day. Tell them to stop putting up graphics about it.

I should also point out that Kay is in such a habit of doing his, "Along with John Flaherty, I'm Michael Kay routine" -- he only does it four times a game -- that he butchers this. "Along with John Flaherty...err...I should say, John O'Flaherty, I'm Michael O'Kay." A masterful delivery as always.

Top sixth: Does anyone tell more stories about himself than Kay? Now he's whining about how Jorge Posada hugged Flaherty but not him in the clubhouse before the game. "It's a catchers thing," Flaherty reassures Kay.

First of all, I don't think Posada's arms are long enough to reach all the way around Kay. Second , is he four? Does he really need a hug?

Kay also says he would have made fun of Posada's ears but Posada made fun of them first.

Is Kay really going to start making fun of another person's appearance? He has as much standing to do that as ... he does to make fun of other another person's announcing. No wonder Posada won't hug him. Guy's an ass.

Bottom sixth: At the end of the inning: "You stay right there."

Wow. I was going to go to the bathroom, but I better not move out of fear Kay will jump out of the TV and smother me with his lime-green shirt.

Top seven: For the second straight day, Legends Field has set an attendance record. Every game this season has been sold out. Have they
A. Built more seats each day?
B. Lied about the sellouts?
C. Started counting people twice?

End of game: We're going to wrap this baby up. [.23 seconds later]. Remote clicks TV off.

Oh, what a play!: 0-for-0. Despite Jeter's perpetual magnificence, Kay had no reason to bust this out.

Fields, fires!: 1/2-for-1. Kay used the weak variation of "straightens, fires" when Keith Ginter fielded a ground ball.

I owe Juan Rivera an apology: Nothing of note again. Kudos to Kay!

Kay, an all-time legend

2008-03-16T13:03:00.014-04:00

vs.

March 16, 2008 - 1:15 p.m. ET
Spring Training Game 16
Legends Field, Tampa, Fla.
Play-by-Play: Michael Kay
Color: John Flaherty

Open: On the starters, Chien-Ming Wang and C.C. Sabathia: "How about the pitching matchup today? You'll take this matchup any day, and you'll pay to see it. And you'll see it free today on YES."

First of all, no one wants to hear someone who gets paid to call baseball games tell him who is worth spending money to see. Second, I love that Kay is so sure I would pay money to see Sabathia and Wang pitch in a Grapefruit League game. How many of the 10,000 or so people in the ballpark do you think knew the pitching matchup when coming to the park, much less when they bought tickets? No matter how great the starters do, they'll both be gone after the fifth inning at the latest. Also, thank heavens YES has provided us Kay free of charge.

For those scoring at home, Kay did the, "When we come back: lineups, first pitch, baseball" routine on the way to break.

Top first: YES comes back from commercial early, and Kay is forced to fill. "Yogi Berra's not just a legend, he's an all-time legend."

I wonder what would happen if Kay were placed on a similar scale. "He's not just a bad broadcaster. He's an all-time bad broadcaster."

"Let's just sit back and let the sunshine come through your television, whether it be plasma, or something else."

Kay clearly not versed in other forms of TVs.

Top second: Chien-Ming Wang doesn't look great, so YES decides to go to the pitch-count graphic.Without fail, Kay will read the numbers on the screen. That's the second time in two such graphics he's done that. It's like clockwork.

David Dellucci makes his second plate appearance. Kay again doesn't mention he used to play for the Yankees. Odds that he doesn't remember? 2:1.

As YES goes to break, Kay says the Indians scored three runs on three hits. YES' graphic says four. Tough to tell who is right without some research, but Kay takes the hit on that one.

Bottom second: Well, if you bet on Kay forgetting that Dellucci played for the Yankees, you lost. But, Kay tosses in a gratuitous "actually" by saying, "When he actually plays against right-handers, he does very, very well."

Top third: We're not crazy about John Flaherty, but he has some self-deprecating humor. He tells Kay that he won't be at opening day and says YES will have the A team there.

Kay: "You can be part of the A team, John."
Flaherty: "I'm on the B team."
Kay: "I can't accept that." To himself: "Wait, if he's on the B team, does that mean I am too? But I'm on the A team. Hey, how come Paul O'Neill isn't here to order food? It's the third inning already."

Bottom third: Flaherty starts talking about how Alex Rodriguez was "cheating" on C.C. Sabathia's fastball when he swung way too early on a changeup. Kay: "Explain to the people out there what you mean by cheating. A lot of people will think Alex is doing something wrong."

How many people out there watch spring training games and didn't understand what Flaherty meant there? ["Cheating? Is he corking his bat?"] Three? That's poor faith in the public's grasp of idiomatic language. This also shows Kay's bad habit of playing Jim Lehrer with a his color commentator and asking silly follow-up questions when everyone already knows what the color guy meant.

C.C. Sabathia's pitch-count graphic comes up, and, you guessed it, Kay reads it aloud.

Kay on Grady Sizemore's routine catch of Shelley Duncan's fly ball to center. "Sizemore back, STILL back, makes the catch. Takes an extra-base hit away from Duncan."

Calls like that make Kay wish he were still on radio, when fans had no idea how much he distorts reality.

Bottom fourth: Kay reads another pitch count graphic. This isn't egregious in itself, but when it happens every time, it's a problem.

Top fifth: Kay tells everyone how Josh Beckett's "back has been barking." Two minutes later, in talking about Bartolo Colon, says "his shoulder has been barking."

Flaherty then compares catching a knuckleball to working with Kay. Meanwhile, a pitch count graphic goes by unannounced!

"You really hated catching a knuckleball. I hope you don't hate being here with me."

Don't ask questions you don't want answered.

Flaherty: "I thoroughly enjoy this. ... You have made this transition into the booth so enjoyable."
Kay: "Oh, go on. No, go on."
Flaherty: "That's enough."

Of course it is. Makes me sick.

Thank goodness this Captains' Corner isn't a series. Just a one-time show with people like Derek Jeter, Don Mattingly and Mike Eruzione. Hold on while I set my DVR.

Bottom five: Back to that pitchig matchup I will pay money to see. Wang didn't finish the fifth, and Sabathia doesn't even start the inning. What a ripoff.

With Aaron Fultz in the game, Kay uses the opportunity to talk about how great the Indians bullpen was in 2007. Of course, he only mentions Joe Borowski, who Kay says has the worst stuff of the bunch. ("But that's not a knock on the guy.") Besides, Borowski has to be great because he "got it done" with 45 saves. Kay doesn't mention the 5.07 ERA or Rafael Betancourt or Rafael Perez.

Top sixth: This isn't a knock on Kay, but as he says the Yankees have set a Legends Field recordwith today's attendance. YES shows wide-angle shots and the park looks 1/3 empty.

This is a knock on Kay: The Yankees have played at Legends Field since 1996, a fact Kay has said at least four times in the past two games. He follows up this non-nugget of information by declaring that the Yankees have made the playoffs every year since then.

He also describes it as a "small major-league stadium." Look, I'm sure it's nice, but doesn't that make it a minor-league park? It holds 10,000 people. That's 25 percent the size of the smallest big-league park.

Top seventh: Kay follows up some Flaherty commentary on how useful Darrell Rasner is by, out of the blue, congratulating the North Carolina basketball team on its win over Clemson in the ACC title game. Now that Tyler Hansbrough has heard Kay acknowledge that, he can go do something else.

Kay also asks Flaherty if he lost weight catching in hot weather.

"What did you lose, five pounds?"
"Well, I didn't go in and weigh myself."
"I like to weigh myself 15 or 20 times a day -- see the ebb and flow."

Where to begin? Is Kay looking for a weight-loss plan? Catching a baseball game would probably rank about 101st on my list of such plans. Does Kay really weigh himself 15 or 20 times a day? That is such a bizarre total it almost has to be true.

Bottom seventh: "Let's take this baby to the eighth."

Top eighth: "Pretty play!" makes its return. Cody Ransom makes a diving stop to end the inning. "That's a pretty play by Cody Ransom." For those who don't know, Kay said this about 45 times per game in 2006, but someone was listening enough to realize that he said it too much. It virtually disappeared in 2007. Maybe that same person will realize that Kay is on the air too much.

Bottom eighth: I'm ashamed to admit this, but I just laughed out loud at Kay. Nick Green was robbed on a diving catch by Ben Francisco, and Kay comes up with, "Green could have been singing 'I left my hit in Ben Francisco.'" Not half bad.

Bottom ninth: Kay gets excited when Nick Green wins the game with a two-run single. He's thrilled he won't have to call extra innings.

Oh, what a play!: 1-for-2. Blows it on Ransom's diving catch, but tosses in a variation on a nifty double play by Bernie Castro and Alberto Gonzalez. "Oh, what a DOUBLE play."

Fields, fires!: 0-for-1: Casey Blake started a double play, but Kay's call curiously omitted his famous phrase.

I owe Juan Rivera an apology: No real major flubs in this game.

Ides of March

2008-03-15T17:56:00.014-04:00

What better way to spend a Saturday afternoon than with Michael Kay? Who cares about conference tournaments?

vs.

March 15, 2008 - 1:15 p.m. ET
Spring Training Game 15
Legends Field, Tampa, Fla.
Play-by-Play: Michael Kay
Color: Paul O'Neill

Open: On the newfound Yankees-Rays rivalry. "It actually all got started on this field."

ACTUALLY? Actually. What are the odds that a rivalry formed this month on one of the two team's fields?

"When we come back, lineups, first pitch and most importantly, baseball."

Kay loves to make believe that the first pitch doesn't count as part of the game. Let's see how long this lasts this season.He's been doing it for a while.

Top first: Kay tells us the temperature is "around the 80s." [Nice, so it could be in the 70s or the 90s. That narrows it down] When Ian Kennedy takes the mound, his 2007 numbers come up, and Kay calls Kennedy's 15-9 strikeout-to-walk ratio "great."

It's not. In fact, that's lousy. But remember what Kay said, we'll come back to that.

Bottom first: Jeff Niemann on the mound for the Rays. His Triple-A strikeout to walk ratio? 123-46. Kay calls it "good." See? We came back to it.

Top of the second: Who comes up with these graphics? Here's the "Scouting Report" on the Tampa Bay Rays:

Ray of Hope
Depends on Pitching
Haven't won yet

Wow, what insight. You know Kay pushed for that Ray of Hope line at the production meeting.

As for the "haven't won yet" part, Kay backs that up with some solid info:

"Only time they won 70 games was with Lou Piniella was in 1994, they went 70 and 91"

Little-known-fact: Four years before they existed, the Rays won 70 games for the only time in their existence.

A few pitches later, "I misspoke. It was '04, not '94 when they won 70 games." Excellent job.

Bottom second: O'Neill comes through again! Kay tells a story of Alex Rodriguez's mother's persuading her son to play baseball instead of basketball.

"Mothers always know best. [To Kay]: Did your mother buy you a notebook? ... 'Put your bat away, son'? Get you a karaoke machine to practice on?"
Kay: "I'm not even going to engage you on this one." That's because you have no chance, Michael.

Kay reveals his parents asked him to leave them alone. I'd love to get tips if they were successful.

Top third: Talking about Billy Traber, warming up: "There's Traber, he's pitched with Cleveland."

That's the truth, but not the whole truth. Look down in that media guide, Michael, and you'll see he also pitched for the Nationals in 2006 and 2007, well after his Indians season in 2003.

Top four: On Mariano Rivera: "He's 37 years old, he signed a three-year contract in the offseason."

He's 38.

Kay quotes Bill James in talking about Rivera's pitch selection. Have to give credit where credit is due.

Bottom four: Hideki Matsui lines out to left. Since he went the other way, Kay invariably pipes up with, "That's a piece of hitting." Any ball that goes the opposite way and comes close to being a hit is a "nice pitting of hitting." Write that down, kids. Kay should start doing instructional videos.

Top five: "I'm going to throw a stat at you, Paul." [Kay and stats, not a great combination] Turns out LaTroy Hawkins has a 9.64 ERA at Yankee Stadium. According to Kay -- so check the facts -- that's the highest of any pitcher in the past 50 years. Kay's challenge for O'Neill? Find out why that is.

O'Neill, bless his heart, points out that the Yankees have had a, well, good lineup over the years. Maybe that had something to do with the ole boost in Hawkins' ERA. He doesn't go into sample size, but it really doesn't seem that remarkable for a pitcher with a career 4.68 ERA to have one of 9.64 in 28 innings against a perennially good team.

On Larry Bowa's refusal to wear a helmet as a third-base coach: "Joe Torre had to talk him into it."

Had nothing to do with MLB's saying it would eject him from every game in which he didn't wear it.

On Jorge Posada's catching: "You know how much it meant to have [Roger] Clemens say how Posada was the best catcher he ever threw to.

Yes, that Roger Clemens, an embodiment of credibility.

On cue, Posada throws out Akinori Iwamura. Kay's take: "Iwamura tagged himself out."

That sounds awkward.

Bottom five: Ah, a promo for what YES show to miss next. Captain's Corner.

O'Neill: "Is this your show, too? We'll have to get a YES2 and 3 for all your shows."

Top six: Everyone's favorite pitcher, Kei Igawa, makes his appearance. "The one thing we noticed about Kei Igawa last year is that he left a lot of pitches up."

Really? The one thing? He displayed a complete inability to do anything a big-league pitcher should be able to do, and Kay makes it seem as though Igawa hung a few curves every now and then. Sounds like another disc in the Michael Kay Tells You How to Play Baseball DVD set, available April 1 wherever laughable ideas are sold.

"Could the difference between the Japanese leagues and the majors be that big?"

Let's see. Igawa leads the league in strikeouts in Japan and can't stay in the bigs here, despite getting more than his share of opportunity. Japanese starters don't exactly have a track record of success. The difference is probably big.

Bottom seven: I'm like a hitter. I don't need these last two weeks of spring training, I'm ready to go now."

No comment.

Final score: Rays 7, Yankees 2

"Oh, what a play!":1-for-1. Iwamura's diving stop of a hard smash clearly merited the Kay superlative.

"Fields, fires!": 1-for-1. Eduardo Nunez made a nice play in the hole.

Wait, that was Ruben Rivera?: Mariano Rivera's 38, not 37. Rays first played in 1998, not 1994.

March 13, ST #13: Pirates at Yankees

2008-03-13T19:45:00.019-04:00

Here we go! The first Kaylog of the new season is also Billy Crystal's debut in pinstripes. As it's also Spring Training for the broadcasters, we'll go easy on Kay. Wait, no we won't.

vs.
March 13, 2008 - 1:15 p.m. ET
Spring Training Game #13
Legends Field, Tampa, Fla.
Play-by-Play: Michael Kay
Color: David Cone, Paul O'Neill

Open: "It's the New York Yankees against the Pittsburgh Pirates in an exhibition game from Legends Field in Tampa, Florida."

Actually, Michael, an exhibition game is what the Mets played against the University of South Florida. This is a Grapefruit League game, not an exhibition.

Top of the 1st: "Batting fifth and playing first base, Adam LaRoche. Ryan Doumit is the catcher, he's going to bat fifth. Batting sixth and ... playing third base, or should I say seventh ... Jose Bautista."

What comes after five? No, Michael, it's not five again, contrary to common belief. And we are going to love seeing Jose Bautista play seventh.

Bottom of the 1st: Going to break: "But this inning will be remembered for a 59-year-old man, living out his dream, turning training camp into fantasy camp. We go to the second -- it's crystal clear, no score."

How soon after the news broke that the Yankees had signed Crystal do you think Kay sat down to pen that gem? Five minutes?

Top of the 2nd: Of Jason Bay: "Probably the most recognizable Pirate name."

What? You mean to tell me Michael Keaton isn't warming up in the Pirates bullpen?

You certainly get your money's worth on this broadcast. Two YES glitches in under 10 seconds: The cameraman has a seizure on Bay's fly ball to right and then former Pirates President Kevin McClatchy becomes the mysterious Kevin McClathy. This does not deter Michael, however. He nails McClatchy.

Two batters and two "pop-ups" to right and left field. Apparently balls that travel 300+ feet aren't fly balls anymore. Good to know.

Bottom of the 2nd: And A-Rod leads off with a "pop-up" to the right-field corner. Just think: 15 more feet and that pop-up would have been a home run!

Top of the 4th: O'Neill on baseballs: "Some days, I'd look over at Bernie and say, 'God, this thing feels like a grapefruit.' And then some days, it felt great. It doesn't take much. Kind of like you, Michael, in the old days. You knew if you pulled a No. 2 or a No. 3 pencil out, right? You had to."

Kay: "Oh, yeah. If it wasn't the right ink, sure."

Didn't you know? Back in the old days, pencils didn't have lead in them. That's right, they were just like pens -- they had ink in them! We love O'Neill. It's going to be great hearing him rip Kay this year.

Going to break: "So Mussina to Molina. M&M! It's a sweet combination as we go to the bottom of the fourth."

That's it. I'm setting a limit. No more than two canned "jokes" going to break per game, Michael. PLEASE.

Bottom of the 4th: A-Rod pops one up into the stands by the Yankees dugout, narrowly missing Robin Williams, who's at the game to see Crystal bat. Kay: "Almost hit Robin Williams. He would have had to call Patch Adams if it did."

If there's one thing you can count on Kay doing, it's making the bad and obvious joke.

Top of the 5th: O'Neill: "Michael, you'll know this. Who were some of the names of that World Series who beat the Yankees? You had Mazeroski, obviously."

Kay: "Mazeroski."

O'Neill: "Was Clemente on that team?"

Kay: "I believe ... uhhhh ... I believe ... yeah, he was on that team."

Awkward five-second silence.

Far be it for Michael Kay to actually know anything about baseball history. He's only a professional baseball broadcaster. What reason would he have to know that guys like Dick Groat, Bob Friend, and Harvey Haddix were also on that team?

Bottom of the 5th: Kay on Jaret Wright: "He burst onto the scene with the Angels. Nasty, nasty stuff. Shut down the Yankees in a playoff series."

Ah, that's right! Who could forget the famous 1997 AL Division Series between the Angels and Yankees? ... that is, if you like calling the Indians the Angels.

On screen: Doug Mientkiewicz is in the game at first base for the Pirates, but don't expect Kay to mention it until he comes to the plate ... check that. Jose Molina actually hits a ground ball right to Mientkiewicz, so Dougie does garner a mention after all.

Top of the 6th: Kay interviewing Crystal, who's still in the Yankees dugout: "You're 59 years old, you've never played in the big leagues, and you put a ball into play."

Ah, yes. The ole' foul ground ball that's in play. O'Neill to the rescue: "You were six feet away from putting the ball in play."

Top of the 7th: Kay on Jeff Karstens, who comes in to pitch the seventh: "His ERA [11.05] somewhat inflated because of a couple of bad outings."

Inflated? Couple of bad outings? In 2007, Karstens pitched in seven games. In four of those appearances, his runs total exceeded his innings total, and he very nearly did it a fifth time by giving up three runs in 3 1/3 innings. In another outing, he yielded two hits without retiring a batter (exiting the game with a broken leg). In his "best" game, he surrendered two hits in an inning of work. Hmmm ... that would seem to be to be seven bad outings in seven games. Kay, the master apologist, as always.

"More strikeouts than walks, also not good."

The numbers are on the screen as clear as day. Five (5) strikeouts and nine (9) walks. Gotta love Kay's math. First, five comes after five and now five is greater than nine. You can't make this stuff up.

Top of the 8th: Kay on Brian Bruney, who enters the game mid-inning: "Was sent down in August and ironically enough, when he was sent down, the Yankees brought up Joba Chamberlain."

The height of irony. The Yankees sent down a pitcher who wasn't pitching well for one who did -- the complete opposite of the roster move's intent!

"The problem [Bruney] has is that he doesn't always throw strikes."

As is the case with every other pitcher who's ever played. Great observation, Michael. No one pitcher always throws strikes.

Bottom of the 8th: Kay mentions how a lot of people across the country would love to do what Crystal did and play in a Major League game.

Cone: "I think nowadays, Michael, there's some guys out there that dream about being you. 'Hey, I want to be Michael Kay, covering the Yankees."

Kay: "I don't even like being me, so ..."

O'Neill: "... until payday."

We sympathize with you, Michael. We know Cone was just being facetious, but we wouldn't want to be you, either. O'Neill with another great zinger.

O'Neill: "Radio ... TV ... can't get away from you in New York, Michael."

You're telling us!

Kay: "Gonna start doing movies, too ... you stay tuned for that."

Oh, god. And here we thought the apocalypse wasn't for another couple of centuries at least.

O'Neill: "Black and white? Silent? No?"

Yes! Please! Silent! The answer to our prayers!

Cone: "If there was a movie about Michael Kay, 'The Michael Kay Story,' who would you want to play you?"

Kay: "Well, John Candy's dead, so ..."

Not a half-bad casting choice!

Top of the 9th: Kay mentions how he used to give away Outback Steakhouse gift certificates while he was in the Yankees' radio booth on WABC.

O'Neill: "I guarantee you pocketed a whole bunch of those things."

Kay: "Me?!"

O'Neill: "Yeah."

Kay: "Yeah, I did, but you don't have to say that on the air ..."

O'Neill: "That was before Atkins jumped into the diet."

Have we said how much we love O'Neill? If only he were the permanent color guy ...

Bottom of the 9th: And my DVR cuts out right in the middle of an exciting Kay call of Justin Christian's double to left-center. Since there were three outs to go, we'll have to give Kay the benefit of the doubt here and assume he made two more stupid comments and/or errors before all was said and done.

Final score: Pirates 5, Yankees 3

"Oh, what a play!": 0-for-2. He had opportunities on a Shelley Duncan pick down the first-base line and flip to Mussina in the second, and again on a Cody Ransom play in the shortstop hole in the eighth.

"Fields, FIRES": No real chances for Michael today.

"Wait, that was Ruben Rivera?": 4. Ink pencils, the fair foul grounder, Wright on the Angels, minimizing Karstens.

Kay Pollution

2008-03-12T23:23:00.000-04:00

The putrid sounds of Michael Kay extend beyond the mere confines of New York City. In fact, the stench can be smelt from much farther away. Farther than the YES network, even, thanks to the mostly-good innovation of MLBtv (the negative exceptions being that distant Yankee fans/haters have to endure Michael Kay through half their broadcasts).

I come to this blog not out of any love for the Yankees nor any hatred, but rather as an objective viewer in want of better announcing.

That the ineptitude of this "a**hide of the Yankees" has reached me - a distant observer - and inspired me to chronicle his inadequacies should serve as a warning to any baseball fan who questions the gravity of the situation.

Add Mr. Kay's pompousness to the pot and we're left with a weighty problem; one so corpulent that it gives Cecil Fielder a reason to believe he could have been a pinch-runner.

FMK's condolences

2006-09-12T21:21:00.000-04:00

This blog thrives on its insensitivity, but now's not the time. Buried in the New York Times' article about the Yankees' win over Baltimore on Monday is an explanation of Kay's intermittent appearances on the YES Network. His mother, Rose Kay, died Monday from complications of Alzheimer's disease. FMK excuses Kay for his absences.

The announced retirement of Jim Kaat, on the other hand, should be filed under not-so-tragic losses, but that's a story for another day -- Friday, when it happens.

It was a bad month for you, too

2006-08-31T21:45:00.000-04:00

31 August, vs. Detroit

Kay waits until the Tigers lineup is introduced before providing the first Kaytribution:

"Curtis Granderson will bat eighth, he's the center fielder. He hasn't had a good August so he'll be glad to see that month go by.

Is Curtis Granderson pleased to see Sept. 1? Will he wake up and say, "Wow, it's a new month, maybe I won't strike out 24 times because it's not Aug. anymore?" Or maybe he'll say, "Too bad the Romans added July and August to the calendar, or I wouldn't have sucked for this long."

Granderson more likely does not know the specifics of his August numbers, since he doesn't rely on arbitrary splits like Kay.

While FMK is on this game, Jim Kaat deserves a mention. Besides providing a publication that proves a book can be judged by its cover, Kaat adds little to the broadcast world. With three Yankee games in 27 hours, Kaat's commentary runs dry. Every time Alex Rodriguez made a play. Kaat would say something to the effect of this, and it happened at least five times:

Even though Alex is struggling at the plate, he's struggling a little less in the field. And he's using a bigger glove.

Thanks for the insight, Jim.

Doubleheader=double dose of Kay

2006-08-30T16:06:00.000-04:00

30 August, vs. Tigers

Thank goodness the Tigers -- the Majors' best team -- bring Michael Kay out of his hole to call some Yankee games and try to reclaim his title as "Voice of the Yankees."

If FMK had a counter like you see at museums or in pitching coaches' hands, this number would be more precise, but Michael Kay says "actually" around 657 times during each game. Here's the latest example:

With Detroit DH Dmitri Young at the plate:

Dmitri's younger brother, Delmon Young, the highly touted prospect with the Devil Rays, actually made his Major League debut last night. His first time up, he was actually hit by a pitch. His second time up, he hit a home run.

Some argue that "actually" is the new "like"; a needless adverb that usually adds nothing to a sentence. Here is a rare example of how the word would be useful:

Michael, Delmon's home run actually came in his third plate appearance.

FMK also thinks that Delmon is more (in)famous right now for throwing a bat at an umpire during a Triple-A game than for being Dmitri's younger brother. Maybe that deserved a mention.

Towards the end of the game, Kay points out the Yankees' starter for Sunday is unnamed, and suggests the possibility the Yankees will use a "bullpen-by-committee" approach. As most of us know, a bullpen is a collection of relief pitchers that fulfill different roles. Seems to FMK that a bullpen is a comittee. Kay's not the only broadcaster to perpetuate this foolish phrase, and he even semi-corrected himself to say "starter by bullpen committee," but who knows what that means either?

Back for the stretch run, Kay permitting

2006-08-26T13:20:00.000-04:00

As the season nears its final month, FMK has come out of retirement. And after watching the Yankees this week on YES, a reasonable question can be asked: Has Michael Kay retired? The length of the five-game series against Boston last weekend has been well documented. It included the longest nine-inning game ever played -- the nightcap of a doubleheader no less. If Kay had to call all five games, maybe his absence from a six-game jaunt to the west coast could be excused. But he only called three. Kay was there for both ends of the doubleheader and Monday's get-away day. Now he's too tired to go to Seattle and Anaheim? Please. Not that people should complain about Kay's absence, but the slacker's job is to announce Yankee games, not host Centerstage.

Wait, what day is it?

2006-04-22T17:03:00.000-04:00

22 April, vs. Baltimore

Threatening weather at the Stadium, which can only mean one thing: Accu-Kay Weather updates on the 2's, 4's, 5's, 6's, and 8's. The game starts on time, but Kay can't stop worrying about the forecast: "They say there's a three hour window to get this game in." Fingers crossed....

---

FMK's covered this before, but Kay's ego has reached new heights: four self-identifications in four innings. Apparently such frequent announcements wore on Kay today. Self ID #4: "Along with Jim Kaat and Kenny Singleton, I'm Michael Kay. Blustery Wednesday afternoon-- EXCUSE ME, I mean Saturday afternoon." Strike one, Michael. FMK checked, and don't worry, Saturday still comes after Friday.

Whew.

---

Kay's terrible timing extends beyond his struggles with the day of week. After Singleton describes how the rainwater is collected and reused to water the infield on sunny days, Kay chimes in with "I guess it's good to the last drop, then."

Swing...and a miss. Strike two.

Seconds later, Kaat brings up the aforementioned* "weather window," remarking that, as the rain begins to fall, "the window is almost closed."

"It's shut. It caught my finger." Hi-larious.

Strike three.

Have feedback or other Kaytributions? Tell FMK.

If you can't say something useful...

2006-04-21T23:36:00.000-04:00

21 April, vs. Baltimore

Welcome back, Michael! And a special welcome back to color man Jim Kaat, doing his first game of the season.

Again Kay spits the bit with the intro. After a brief preamble: "If you have a ticket to this game..." then we're probably not watching you on television!

Of course, seeing the Yankees themselves is worth the price of admission, but as an added bonus, ticketholders enjoy a night of Kay-free Yankee baseball. Let them be.

---

Kay, updating viewers on the weather for the fourth time in three innings: "It's been a beautiful week, weather-wise, in New York." It was also nice in Toronto, but you wouldn't know.

---

Friday's broadcast joined the long list of Yankee broadcasts plagued by graphics errors. This may seem like nit-picking, but when the score bar says "3 outs" in the bottom of the 9th inning of a 6-5 game, and the game isn't over, FMK takes exception.

FMK also objects to Kay's fits of narcissism; every time YES displays the "Commentators" graphic, which lists the names of Kay and his colleagues, he feels compelled to read each name aloud to us: "Along with Jim Kaat and Kenny Singleton, I'm Michael Kay." When this happens in the 4th inning, it's one thing. But in the bottom of the 9th, with the bases loaded and a 1-1 count on the batter...we don't need to hear it.

Get over yourself.

Have feedback or other Kaytributions? Tell FMK.

Kenny bats for Kay

2006-04-19T19:51:00.000-04:00

18 and 19 April, at Toronto

We all know Kay didn't make it to SkyDome in Toronto. FMK still can't get over his staying in New York for a hockey game. At least he got to enjoy a 5-1 Ranger loss.

But after two games, Kay's absence doesn't seem so bad. In fact, judging by color man Ken Singleton's solid fill-in play-by-play, Kay should be taking either

A) more series off, or

B) notes.

FMK knows Singleton's no Bob Costas, but when a color guy steps in to do play-by-play and the viewer thinks he might be better than the normal guy, something's wrong.

Indeed, Kenny had some nice moments, most notably in the top of the 6th on Wednesday, when a fan ran onto the field. As has become custom, the cameras didn't show the fan to discourage others from following in his footsteps. At SkyDome or elsewhere.

Singleton: "We're going to have time here as a fan has made his way onto the field, but he's not going to be out there for long because Blue Jays security has gotten to him; and, uh, he'll be headed somewhere else downtown, probably in a place that has bars in it somewhere. I think probably that's where he came from. . . a different kind of bar."

Clever, well-delivered, and original. Three adjectives you'll never see applied to Kay's broadcasting. At least not on this blog.

Kudos, Kenny. FMK shudders in anticipation of Kay's return to the booth Friday.

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MICHAEL KAY RADIO SHOW BONUS EDITION POST!

2006-04-18T21:32:00.000-04:00

18 April, 4:05 PM EDT

"You're listening to Michael Kay, voice of the Yankees." Voice of the Yankees? Let's back up.

Turns out today's show aired live outside Madison Square Garden.

The Yankees are in Toronto.

Unless some judge ordered "The Voice" to remain in the country, Kay has no business skipping an entire series. No one's too cool to travel to Toronto. Yeah, it's in Canada. Get over it and do your job.

And let's be honest: quirks aside, John Sterling is the voice of the Yankees. And HE'S in Toronto. WITH Suzyn Waldman. Jesus.

Ripping apart Kay's radio show is shooting fish in a barrel, but since he didn't make the trip, FMK feels it's fair game.

---

Kay and update man Don LaGreca on Atlanta's streak of NL East Division Championships possibly ending:

Kay: Do you believe in due?

LaGreca: Absolutely...Law of Averages...definitely believe in it.

Kay: Well, 14 championships in a row, maybe it's time for the Braves to not win a division.

Why, Michael? The Braves may lose the division, yes. For any number of reasons. But not because they've won 14 straight.

---

On charismatic Mets third baseman David Wright potentially drawing New York women away from their shrines to Yankee shortstop Derek Jeter:

"Derek's still got the juice, come on. I don't mean steroids."

Gross.

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The Sights and Smells...

2006-04-17T00:21:00.000-04:00

16 April, at Minnesota

Straight to the Kaytributions.

Bottom 1st: "During the 5-game streak, the Twins have really been streaking." Winning? Naked? Both?
Top 3rd: "Today I was just bored at the hotel [what's wrong? empty minibar?] and came to the game four hours early." Plenty of food there, we'll get to that shortly...
Top 7th: YES shows several members of the Yankees bullpen devouring some Big League Chew. "There's nothing like playing with chewing gum. I've always said that." Kay's gustatory habits aside, isn't it ironic that the one thing he's never said before, he thinks he has?

On Kay's gustatory habits: After YES comes back from commercial, a sponsorship graphic dissolves to reveal a close-up of a young burger vendor hard at work. "You can almost smell that. ... Smell-O-Vision."

No comment.

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Reaching for the Mute Button

2006-04-16T23:34:00.000-04:00

15 April, at Minnesota

After Kay's cute pre-recorded introduction Saturday, these words came out of his mouth, live:
"The atmosphere inside the dome is so anti-septic [great, can't wait to watch THIS game!] they really try to liven it up outside; almost a carnival atmosphere [almost? good point, they come up short...no Ferris wheel] and they do a great job...and the Twins in this ballpark have actually won two world championships. ["actually?" ACTUALLY.]

And all before he comes on camera! Magnificent.

Anyway, on to the game...

Not much to report early on; Kay sails through the first two innings. Heck, he even calmly ignored YES' 313th graphics snafu of the night:
Top 3rd, 3-0 Twins, Johnny Damon bats for the second time. YES graphic:
Johnny Damon, CF. 1-1: Solo Home Run.

How many ways is this wrong? Let's count together!

1) The Yankees had scored zero runs. Teams who have hit home runs, solo or otherwise, have run totals greater than zero.
2) Johnny Damon has zero solo home runs on the year, so this couldn't have been a leftover graphic from another game.
3) The Twins had hit zero solo home runs in THIS game, so this couldn't have been a graphic meant for a Twins player.

Those three top the list.

How did Kay handle the situation?

Kay: "Damon struck out looking in the first." Applause, applause!

FMK has a theory: The Anti-Mute Conspiracy.
What's a typical baseball viewer to do with his or her unwatchable baseball commentator?
1) Mute the TV and listen to the radio broadcast. Problem: WCBS's Suzyn Waldman.
2) Mute the TV and DON'T listen to alcoholic radio personalities. Problem: Excessive reliance on YES' graphics for accurate game information.

It seems that Kay, in an effort to keep viewers from detonating that devastating Mutebomb, has paid off key graphic operators to keep his nonessential commentary essential. How else can such flagrant errors be explained?

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In Case We Just Joined You...

2006-04-15T16:41:00.000-04:00

Last night's game did not inspire this blog on its own. The season may be in its second week, but Kay's already up to his old tricks.

On Emil Brown, the Royals' left fielder: "He's one of the young players the Royals are trying to build this team around." Sounds fine to FMK, especially if by "young," he meant 31. Apparently Kay couldn't reach that media guide. If he could, he might have noticed Brown's career stats. Yes, Michael, there is a National League.

Did you know Johnny Damon and Derek Jeter together should average 12 pitches per plate appearance each time through the lineup? Neither did FMK, until Kay became super-agent Scott Boras' mouthpiece. In marketing Damon to the Yankees, Boras apparently boasted that the then-hypothetical Damon-Jeter 1-2 combination would do just that. Kay gleefully passed this "information" along, blissfully unaware of the actual pitches each saw in 2005. Jeter ranked #62 in P/PA with 3.82, and Damon came in 84th with 3.72. For those of you scoring at home, 3.82+3.72=7.54, which, as any third-grader will tell you, is < 12. The alligator always eats the bigger number.

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The First Post, and then Blog.

2006-04-14T23:29:00.000-04:00

14 April, at Minnesota:

When Kay has only Bobby Murcer to bail him out of his dumb comments, you know it's going to be a long broadcast.

Kay has proven this year that screwups happen even before the lineups are announced (3 April: "The best way...well, the only way, to start the season is with Opening Day.") In the same tradition, Kay dropped this gem before the start of tonight's game: "When we come back, we have the lineups, the first pitch, and then baseball on YES." So Johnny Damon taking ball one...not baseball. Damon takes ball two...aaand we're under way!

Other Kaytributions:

Top 2nd: Twins starter Scott Baker takes an awkward jog halfway up the clubhouse ramp. When he reemerges after 15 seconds of alone time, he wears a goofy grin while re-buckling his belt. Kay and Murcer contemplate the cause of the delay. After discussing the possibility of a buckle malfunction, Kay, sounding like a mother talking to her pre-teen son, speculates "or maybe it was his protective cup." Here, he brashly flies in the face of years of broadcasting non-reference references to baseball's most important piece of equipment.
Top 5th: With Jorge Posada off 3rd and one out, Bernie Williams lofts a fly ball into right field. Kay's call: "Fly ball to right field. That'll get the run home. ... Maybe." Sure enough, Lew Ford throws Posada out at the plate. In one breath, Kay mistakes Jorge Posada's legs for Juan Pierre's and Lew Ford's arm for, well, Juan Pierre's.

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