Test Kay for Amphetamines

vs.
Game 17: April 17, 2008 - 7:05 p.m. ET
Yankee Stadium, New York, N.Y.
Play-by-Play: Michael Kay
Color: John Flaherty and Al Leiter

Michael Kay goes back-to-back for the first time since April 6-7. Stop the presses. And better test him. A Mike Cameron suspension could do wonders for us.

Top second: Everyone knows Manny Ramirez kills the Yankees. He hits a home run in the second inning, and Kay and Co. talk about the Bonds treatment. Kay: "There were a couple of times where a team was leading by two runs in the late innings walked Bonds with the bases loaded. They figured the one run was better than four."

* As far as we know, this only happened once, in 1998. And the move, by the Yankees' friend Buck Showalter, came in the bottom of the ninth inning. He didn't want Bonds to have a chance to tie the game with a hit, so he let Brent Mayne come up with a chance to win a game with a hit. You can make a case that Showalter's math makes sense, but Kay's talk of four runs is pure idiocy.


"Ortiz is struggling so much. There are 203 major leaguers that qualify to be among the leaders. Coming into today, a .121 batting average, slugging percentage .172, OPS, that's on-base plus slugging, .411. And he's last in the major leagues in everyone of those categories, so he has the negative triple crown."

*Ah yes, the negative triple crown. Never mind those aren't the categories used for the traditional -- albeit stupid -- triple crown: batting average, homers and RBIs. Shouldn't the negative triple crown be made up of bad stats, such as K's, grounded in to double plays and caught stealings or something? If Kay's idea is to suggest that Ortiz is the worst hitter in baseball right now, I would be much more amused by his OPS+ of 3.

Bottom second: This has to be the worst YES team out there. No Kenny or O'Neill. Flaherty says about one or two intelligent things a game. And Al Leiter just doesn't shut up! Kay asks him if Boston's Josh Beckett was cocky. Leiter talks about Beckett wanting to "poke his eye out" -- how immature are major leaguers? -- and finally ends up with an expose on pitching backwards -- that's throwing breaking balls behind in the count. Long story -- and we mean LONG story -- short, Beckett is not a punk anymore. Glad that took 10 minutes.

Top third: The Kay Inquisition is on! "Let me ask you this, Al."
"Let me ask you this, John"

* Over and over and over again.

Michael gets to read two pitch-count graphics in one inning.

* Not a good sign for Mussina or Kay.

YES' replay crew having some trouble. They go to break showing both of Ramriez's home runs and we hear Kay's "Melky!" call underneath Kay's inane description of what has happened.

* Now we know what will be the next torture technique developed when waterboarding is banned. Kayboarding. The unfortunate one will be placed in a room and hear Kay give a nasal description of what happened 15 minutes ago over a recording of his overexcited and inaccurate live call of the action. Example, in print, so bear with us:

But not before SEEYA! the Yankees score A BOOMING HOME RUN three runs BY ALEX ROD-DREEGUEZ the big blow a home run from A-Rod. OH WHAT A SHOT.

That was painful just to type.

Bottom third: Kay clearly needs a personal break -- or a feeding break, it is the third inning -- because Flaherty takes it back from commercial. He makes reference to Ramirez's pair of bombs. Ten seconds later, Kay says the same thing. Nice teamwork, guys.

Chad Moeller up. "Talking to Brian Cashman about the story of how he signed Moeller. He said he was sitting in a car and said to his assistant, 'You know, Moeller would be a good guy to sign, especially with the injury ... to the kid.'"

* First of all, great story! A true look behind the genius of Cashman. I'll mail the Emmy. Second of all, Kay clearly didn't remember the name of Francisco Cervelli, the catcher run over in the spring's most famous play. Kay said it 20 seconds later, but surely only after someone chirped it in his ear.

Top four: "Some pitchers don't like to pitch with a lead."

* Name one. Shouldn't be too hard. All the ones I talk to prefer to be bombed and trailing by five runs. Takes the pressure off. Kay later adds "big" to "lead" but even Leiter calls him out on his stupidity. "I'll take 10 runs any time."

Bottom four: Leiter shows the difference between a two-seam and four-seam fastball. Kay doesn't remark on with which hand Leiter is demonstrating tonight. He also looks mighty uncomfortable, eyes darting back and forth, not at the camera, and not at Leiter either.

Kay brings up the Beckett deal with the Marlins. Oh no, here it comes! Wait, no, he just says that Hanley Ramirez will be an MVP in the National League. Fair enough. Coast clear? Nope.

Leiter: "The intriguing part of that trade was that Mike Lowell was a throw-in."

* Amazing! This trade happened on Nov. 24, 2005. Is there some clause in Kay's contract that requires him or someone on YES to mention that Lowell was a throw-in? Jeez.

Top five: Another update on that mind-numbingly stupid story about the David Ortiz jersey buried in the new Yankee Stadium. It was dug up on Sunday and now the Yankees have "donated it to the Dana Carve-- Dana-Farber Cancer Institute ... David Ortiz jersey, bringing in a lot of cash so far."

* Let's leave aside the hilarious slip of tongue -- Dana Carvey running a cancer foundation. Not yet, Michael. It's an auction. People bid, and then when someone has made the highest bid, that person, and only that person, pays. Surprised Kay hasn't ventured into the whole ebay world.

Top seven: Krazy Kyle Farnsworth throws one behind Ramirez's head. Kay: "You can't read anyone's mind, and we're not even going to try, but do you think that was on purpose?"

* Hmm, maybe we misunderstood, but seems like you do want to try.
Bottom ninth: Melky Cabrera goes deep. Hideki Matsui comes up. Under his image on screen, a Cabrera graphic appears.

No word on if Kay is heading to Baltimore, but we hope he is.