Opening Day, Take II

vs.
Game 1: April 1, 2008 - 7:05 p.m. ET
Yankee Stadium, New York, N.Y.
Play-by-Play: Michael Kay (back in the saddle!)
Color: Paul O'Neill

And so another season is upon us! We here at FMK invite you to sit down, relax, and cringe to the worst voice on television. Our "Fields, FIRES," and "Oh, what a play!" meters are all set to zero and we're ready for business.

Open: A nicely engineered spot by YES on the illustrious history of Yankee Stadium, entering this, its final season. It was a well-produced package, but Kay's narrating with his nasal "voice" killed whatever mystique this might have had for us.

Kay: "What's the greatest moment for a pitcher? A no-hitter. And it gets even better. A perfect game, and the Yankees have had a couple of those here as well..."

• OK, a no-hitter's the greatest moment a pitcher can have, except it's not, because a perfect game's even greater, which makes it ... the greatestest? And last time we checked, "a couple" means two. Don Larsen is one, David Wells is two, David Cone...

Top of the 2nd: Kay on injured Jays 3B Scott Rolen: "He's won World Championships, obviously, with the Cardinals."

• Oh, obviously. The Cardinals' last World Series titles were in 2006 and 1982. Who could forget a 7-year-old Rolen hitting between Keith Hernandez and Darrell Porter for Whitey Herzog's crew?

O'Neill: "You haven't missed a game in years, right?"

• Paul O'Neill, FMK's undercover agent! Kay doesn't detect O'Neill sarcasm and replies with, "Now I'll be sick tomorrow, you watch."
  
  I'll make the chicken soup.

Bot of the 2nd: After Hideki Matsui grounds out for the final out of the inning, Kay says, "And that will do it for Roy Halladay."

• Umm...we're pretty sure that after a four-pitch inning, Halladay will be back out for the third.

Top of the 5th: A rare moment as Kay catches himself mispronouncing David Eckstein's name as "Eck-steen." (He also said "Eck-steen" when going over Toronto's lineup in the first). Nice to see Kay consciously trying to get the opposition's name right, but apparently it's too much to ask him to pronounce the Yankees' best player's name correctly. "Rod-dree-guez" makes us cringe every time.

Bot of the 6th: The best part about O'Neill is you'll be moseying along and all of a sudden, a great random outburst. To wit:

O'Neill: "Mike, we're in the bottom of the 6th inning and we haven't mentioned one of your shows yet. What's going on here tonight? They lose all the memos, huh?

Kay: "It's too quick, it's all about baseball today."

• Haha, tremendous. A tacit admission by Kay that a Yankees baseball game on YES is rarely ever just about baseball.

Top of the 9th: Kay on Joe Girardi: "Yes, he's managed before. He managed one year with the Marlins and actually won the National League Manager of the Year job."

• Actually, he won the National League Manager of the Year Award. If being the National League Manager of the Year is a job, where can I send my résumé?

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Final Score: Yankees 3, Blue Jays 2

Fields, FIRES: 1-for-2. Nailed it on the first play of the year (Eckstein's grounder to Jeter), but then with an alternate "Jeter from the 2B-side of the bag, FIRES low!" on Gregg Zaun's tapper in the 2nd.

OH, what a play!: A meek 0-for-2. He whiffed on Melky Cabrera's back-to-back grabs in the 4th.

I owe Juan Rivera an apology: 2. David Cone's perfect game never happened, Scott Rolen won a World Series ring at 7.