That did NOT take long

vs.
Game 22: April 23, 2008 - 8:11 p.m. ET
U.S. Cellular Field, Chicago, Ill.
Play-by-Play: Michael Kay
Color: David Cone, Paul O'Neill

Open: No one else has spoken yet. On Tuesday's game: "[The Yankees] fell behind early, but they came back."

• Facts: The Yankees led, 1-0 and then 2-0. The White Sox tied it in the second. Chicago took a 3-2 lead in the fifth. Kay had barely been on camera for 20 words, including introductions, and he already had amnesia.

Top first: I know he's not that good a player, but don't Alex Rodriguez and his absence merit an explanation for why he's not in the lineup? Kay casually says Hideki Matsui "cleans up" and that Morgan Ensberg is at third

Bottom first: Cone makes up a word -- "variate" as a verb. Think he means vary. He says it again two minutes later, so he didn't just misspeak.

Kay goes to break: "We've played one inning here at the Cell."

• The only thing worse than corporate names for parks is nicknames based on those corporate names. In Kay's perpetual search hipness, he has used this unforunate nickname twice. "In Chicago" doesn't suffice?

Top second: Hideki Matsui reaches on an error by Orlando Cabrera. On the replay, the feed freezes and a big blue NEW YORK YANKEES BASEBALL screen comes up. When they finally get live action back, it's Derek Jeter watching from the dugout as Jorge Posada grounds into a double play. Nice job in the technical department. Is there any way Kay can be blamed?

Morgan Ensberg is up, and still that scrub Rodriguez hasn't been mentioned by Kay.

• That's now the open, the lineups, Matsui's at-bat and third baseman Ensberg's at-bat without it. We want that "Rod-dree-guez," Michael, give it to us! Kay is probably still salivating over those hot dogs they showed between innings.

Bottom second: Something is clearly wrong with the cameras. Now we get treated to an isolated shot of Jeter during action. We know Kay loves him, but let's at least see the pitch. And no one tells Kay he needs to say more than, "the 0-1" as we watch Jeter kick at the dirt and then get into his crouch.

Top third: Going to break: "We've played 2 1/2 innings here at the Cell."

• We get it! You think that is a cool nickname. That is more than once per inning though. Does Kay have a deal on the side with U.S. Cellular?

Bottom third: Kay brings up Nick Swisher's mysterious broken bat from Tuesday. O'Neill thinks Kay still thinks the bat wasn't broken before Swisher swung. O'Neill "I'm telling you, that bat was fractured before he swung." Kay needs to let this go. Someone who is wrong as often as he is shouldn't be so stunned.

Everyone once in a while, Kay thinks he has thought of something no one has thought of before. "Now, when you are allowed to blow on your hand off the mound, can't you spit on your hand?"

• Yes, you can even lick it too, which seems to us a better way to get saliva to your hand. Hocking a loogy is a close second though. Hasn't Kay seen Greg Maddux pitch? Oh, yeah, he doesn't watch the National League.

OK, this is long past ridiculous. He did it again. That's four times in three innings. That's four more times than he has mentioned Alex Rodriguez's name.

Bottom fourth: Kay tells us that A.J. Pierzynski came to camp 18 pounds lighter. As an aside, why do we always trust these players at their words on alleged weight loss? Anyway, Kay says that it was "No more room service" for Pierzynski. "He just went to bed."

• Kay, who has pondered catching on a hot day in an effort to get his pounds down, should consider this strategy as well.

Mercifully, Kay did not call it the Cell on the way to break.

Top fifth: "Damon is now six for his last 18."

• WOW! Where did Kay find that info? In all seriousness, Kay is way too fond of these arbitrary "X-for-his-last-Y" statlines. Now that the season is more than three weeks old, we can expect them for the duration.

Bottom fifth: Kay takes his bathroom break as O'Neill reads a Centerstage promo.

Cone finally mentions Rodriguez, but only in reference to how Joe Crede [shudder] was "almost a Yankee" after Rodriguez opted out. Also, love the "if it's fair, it's gone" call on a homer by Crede that is fair by about 50 feet.

Top sixth: Javier Vazquez gets knocked out of the box. Kay managed to get to this point -- he spent the last inning talking about David Wells for some reason -- without talking about either the trade that brought Vazquez to the Yankees or sent him away. That's OK. It's not as though Nick Johnson and Juan Rivera were involved in the former or Randy Johnson was involved in the latter. Those trades didn't shape any of the Yankees teams this decade.

Bottom sixth: "Mussina averages 80.25 pitchers per game, second-worst in the American League. Paul Byrd is No. 1." Kay goes on to wonder how much longer Mussina will stay in the game because of this.

• Three things wrong with this: First, glad we know his pitch count average to two decimal places. Second, if Paul Byrd is worst than Mussina, how is he "No. 1?" Third, Mussina's average pitch count is so low because he has sucked. In his last two starts, Mussina thought he was Manny Ramirez's batting practice pitcher. Let's just say fatigue has not been a problem.

Top seventh: "They actually have a special field for smallball at spring training, for all the little things you do to manufacture runs. That's fine in theory, but you can't do it if you don't have the talent."

• Not to get all numbers-wumbers on you, but "talent" and "smallball"? The White Sox were fifth in the majors homers when they won the World Series in 2005. This year, they're fifth again and off to a great start. Coincidence, or Dannon? Maybe the team is talented enough to not have to resort to giving up outs.

Top eighth: Kay's newest broken record: "Beats a hustling ______ down the line." Jeter grounds out and gets such treatment.

Bottom eighth: "I got orders, the first day I took the TV job, John Filipelli told me I could not describe the uniforms. I said, 'Why?' He said, 'Because people can see it.'"

• Why did Filipelli exercise such judgment but such poor judgment elsewhere? Wasn't that "why?" question a bad sign? Can't believe he even had to ask
  

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Final score: Yankees 6, White Sox 4
I owe Juan Rivera an apology: "The Yankees fell behind early." It was all smooth sailing from there. Well, not really, but nothing glaring. Except Kay's face.