Saturday, April 22, 2006

Wait, what day is it?

22 April, vs. Baltimore

Threatening weather at the Stadium, which can only mean one thing: Accu-Kay Weather updates on the 2's, 4's, 5's, 6's, and 8's. The game starts on time, but Kay can't stop worrying about the forecast: "They say there's a three hour window to get this game in." Fingers crossed....


FMK's covered this before, but Kay's ego has reached new heights: four self-identifications in four innings. Apparently such frequent announcements wore on Kay today. Self ID #4: "Along with Jim Kaat and Kenny Singleton, I'm Michael Kay. Blustery Wednesday afternoon-- EXCUSE ME, I mean Saturday afternoon." Strike one, Michael. FMK checked, and don't worry, Saturday still comes after Friday.



Kay's terrible timing extends beyond his struggles with the day of week. After Singleton describes how the rainwater is collected and reused to water the infield on sunny days, Kay chimes in with "I guess it's good to the last drop, then."

Swing...and a miss. Strike two.

Seconds later, Kaat brings up the aforementioned* "weather window," remarking that, as the rain begins to fall, "the window is almost closed."

"It's shut. It caught my finger." Hi-larious.

Strike three.

* © 2006 Michael Kay. This word cannot be reproduced or re-transmitted in any form without the expressed, written consent of the aforementioned Michael Kay.

Have feedback or other Kaytributions? Tell FMK.

Friday, April 21, 2006

If you can't say something useful...

21 April, vs. Baltimore

Welcome back, Michael! And a special welcome back to color man Jim Kaat, doing his first game of the season.

Again Kay spits the bit with the intro. After a brief preamble: "If you have a ticket to this game..." then we're probably not watching you on television!

Of course, seeing the Yankees themselves is worth the price of admission, but as an added bonus, ticketholders enjoy a night of Kay-free Yankee baseball. Let them be.


Kay, updating viewers on the weather for the fourth time in three innings: "It's been a beautiful week, weather-wise, in New York." It was also nice in Toronto, but you wouldn't know.


Friday's broadcast joined the long list of Yankee broadcasts plagued by graphics errors. This may seem like nit-picking, but when the score bar says "3 outs" in the bottom of the 9th inning of a 6-5 game, and the game isn't over, FMK takes exception.

FMK also objects to Kay's fits of narcissism; every time YES displays the "Commentators" graphic, which lists the names of Kay and his colleagues, he feels compelled to read each name aloud to us: "Along with Jim Kaat and Kenny Singleton, I'm Michael Kay." When this happens in the 4th inning, it's one thing. But in the bottom of the 9th, with the bases loaded and a 1-1 count on the batter...we don't need to hear it.

Get over yourself.

Have feedback or other Kaytributions? Tell FMK.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Kenny bats for Kay

18 and 19 April, at Toronto

We all know Kay didn't make it to SkyDome in Toronto. FMK still can't get over his staying in New York for a hockey game. At least he got to enjoy a 5-1 Ranger loss.

But after two games, Kay's absence doesn't seem so bad. In fact, judging by color man Ken Singleton's solid fill-in play-by-play, Kay should be taking either

A) more series off, or

B) notes.

FMK knows Singleton's no Bob Costas, but when a color guy steps in to do play-by-play and the viewer thinks he might be better than the normal guy, something's wrong.

Indeed, Kenny had some nice moments, most notably in the top of the 6th on Wednesday, when a fan ran onto the field. As has become custom, the cameras didn't show the fan to discourage others from following in his footsteps. At SkyDome or elsewhere.

Singleton: "We're going to have time here as a fan has made his way onto the field, but he's not going to be out there for long because Blue Jays security has gotten to him; and, uh, he'll be headed somewhere else downtown, probably in a place that has bars in it somewhere. I think probably that's where he came from. . . a different kind of bar."

Clever, well-delivered, and original. Three adjectives you'll never see applied to Kay's broadcasting. At least not on this blog.

Kudos, Kenny. FMK shudders in anticipation of Kay's return to the booth Friday.

Have feedback or other Kaytributions? Tell FMK.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006


18 April, 4:05 PM EDT

"You're listening to Michael Kay, voice of the Yankees." Voice of the Yankees? Let's back up.

Turns out today's show aired live outside Madison Square Garden.

The Yankees are in Toronto.

Unless some judge ordered "The Voice" to remain in the country, Kay has no business skipping an entire series. No one's too cool to travel to Toronto. Yeah, it's in Canada. Get over it and do your job.

And let's be honest: quirks aside, John Sterling is the voice of the Yankees. And HE'S in Toronto. WITH Suzyn Waldman. Jesus.

Ripping apart Kay's radio show is shooting fish in a barrel, but since he didn't make the trip, FMK feels it's fair game.


Kay and update man Don LaGreca on Atlanta's streak of NL East Division Championships possibly ending:

Kay: Do you believe in due?

LaGreca: Absolutely...Law of Averages...definitely believe in it.

Kay: Well, 14 championships in a row, maybe it's time for the Braves to not win a division.

Why, Michael? The Braves may lose the division, yes. For any number of reasons. But not because they've won 14 straight.


On charismatic Mets third baseman David Wright potentially drawing New York women away from their shrines to Yankee shortstop Derek Jeter:

"Derek's still got the juice, come on. I don't mean steroids."


Have feedback or other Kaytributions? Tell FMK.

Monday, April 17, 2006

The Sights and Smells...

16 April, at Minnesota

Straight to the Kaytributions.

  • Bottom 1st: "During the 5-game streak, the Twins have really been streaking." Winning? Naked? Both?
  • Top 3rd: "Today I was just bored at the hotel [what's wrong? empty minibar?] and came to the game four hours early." Plenty of food there, we'll get to that shortly...
  • Top 7th: YES shows several members of the Yankees bullpen devouring some Big League Chew. "There's nothing like playing with chewing gum. I've always said that." Kay's gustatory habits aside, isn't it ironic that the one thing he's never said before, he thinks he has?

On Kay's gustatory habits: After YES comes back from commercial, a sponsorship graphic dissolves to reveal a close-up of a young burger vendor hard at work. "You can almost smell that. ... Smell-O-Vision."

No comment.

Have feedback or other Kaytributions? Tell FMK.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Reaching for the Mute Button

15 April, at Minnesota

After Kay's cute pre-recorded introduction Saturday, these words came out of his mouth, live:
"The atmosphere inside the dome is so anti-septic [great, can't wait to watch THIS game!] they really try to liven it up outside; almost a carnival atmosphere [almost? good point, they come up Ferris wheel] and they do a great job...and the Twins in this ballpark have actually won two world championships. ["actually?" ACTUALLY.]

And all before he comes on camera! Magnificent.

Anyway, on to the game...

Not much to report early on; Kay sails through the first two innings. Heck, he even calmly ignored YES' 313th graphics snafu of the night:
Top 3rd, 3-0 Twins, Johnny Damon bats for the second time. YES graphic:
Johnny Damon, CF. 1-1: Solo Home Run.

How many ways is this wrong? Let's count together!

1) The Yankees had scored zero runs. Teams who have hit home runs, solo or otherwise, have run totals greater than zero.
2) Johnny Damon has zero solo home runs on the year, so this couldn't have been a leftover graphic from another game.
3) The Twins had hit zero solo home runs in THIS game, so this couldn't have been a graphic meant for a Twins player.

Those three top the list.

How did Kay handle the situation?

Kay: "Damon struck out looking in the first." Applause, applause!

FMK has a theory: The Anti-Mute Conspiracy.
What's a typical baseball viewer to do with his or her unwatchable baseball commentator?
1) Mute the TV and listen to the radio broadcast. Problem: WCBS's Suzyn Waldman.
2) Mute the TV and DON'T listen to alcoholic radio personalities. Problem: Excessive reliance on YES' graphics for accurate game information.

It seems that Kay, in an effort to keep viewers from detonating that devastating Mutebomb, has paid off key graphic operators to keep his nonessential commentary essential. How else can such flagrant errors be explained?

Have feedback or other Kaytributions? Tell FMK.

Saturday, April 15, 2006

In Case We Just Joined You...

Last night's game did not inspire this blog on its own. The season may be in its second week, but Kay's already up to his old tricks.

On Emil Brown, the Royals' left fielder: "He's one of the young players the Royals are trying to build this team around." Sounds fine to FMK, especially if by "young," he meant 31. Apparently Kay couldn't reach that media guide. If he could, he might have noticed Brown's career stats. Yes, Michael, there is a National League.

Did you know Johnny Damon and Derek Jeter together should average 12 pitches per plate appearance each time through the lineup? Neither did FMK, until Kay became super-agent Scott Boras' mouthpiece. In marketing Damon to the Yankees, Boras apparently boasted that the then-hypothetical Damon-Jeter 1-2 combination would do just that. Kay gleefully passed this "information" along, blissfully unaware of the actual pitches each saw in 2005. Jeter ranked #62 in P/PA with 3.82, and Damon came in 84th with 3.72. For those of you scoring at home, 3.82+3.72=7.54, which, as any third-grader will tell you, is < 12. The alligator always eats the bigger number.

Have feedback or other Kaytributions? Tell FMK.

Friday, April 14, 2006

The First Post, and then Blog.

14 April, at Minnesota:

When Kay has only Bobby Murcer to bail him out of his dumb comments, you know it's going to be a long broadcast.

Kay has proven this year that screwups happen even before the lineups are announced (3 April: "The best way...well, the only way, to start the season is with Opening Day.") In the same tradition, Kay dropped this gem before the start of tonight's game: "When we come back, we have the lineups, the first pitch, and then baseball on YES." So Johnny Damon taking ball one...not baseball. Damon takes ball two...aaand we're under way!

Other Kaytributions:

  • Top 2nd: Twins starter Scott Baker takes an awkward jog halfway up the clubhouse ramp. When he reemerges after 15 seconds of alone time, he wears a goofy grin while re-buckling his belt. Kay and Murcer contemplate the cause of the delay. After discussing the possibility of a buckle malfunction, Kay, sounding like a mother talking to her pre-teen son, speculates "or maybe it was his protective cup." Here, he brashly flies in the face of years of broadcasting non-reference references to baseball's most important piece of equipment.
  • Top 5th: With Jorge Posada off 3rd and one out, Bernie Williams lofts a fly ball into right field. Kay's call: "Fly ball to right field. That'll get the run home. ... Maybe." Sure enough, Lew Ford throws Posada out at the plate. In one breath, Kay mistakes Jorge Posada's legs for Juan Pierre's and Lew Ford's arm for, well, Juan Pierre's.

Have feedback or other Kaytributions? Tell FMK.